Classic Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers: "Jay" and I have been dating for three years and were planning to get married this summer. We have an excellent relationship and love each other very much. The problem is his mother.

"Claudia" has multiple sclerosis and cannot move her legs. I sympathize with her, but she treats me like garbage. I have tried for years to get her to like me, to no avail. Claudia is very manipulative. She has made Jay feel responsible for her illness, and the guilt keeps him hanging around. She bribes him with money and gifts so he will continue to live with her. Jay's older sister lives with her, too, but she refuses to lift a finger to help her mother. "Doris" locks herself in her room and won't pick up the telephone.

I know Jay loves his mother, but he needs to have a life, too. Claudia has suggested we move into her home after we marry, but I would be miserable living there. Although health care workers come daily to help Claudia with her needs, I believe she would be better off at a facility where she could get the physical therapy she needs and the individual attention she wants. I suggested this to Jay, and he accused me of wanting to separate him from his family.

Ann, it breaks my heart to see how Jay cannot enjoy his life because of his family obligations. We have had to move our wedding back a full year because he doesn't feel comfortable leaving his mother. Jay still can take care of Claudia, but why does he have to live with her? I'm concerned that this ultimately will destroy our marriage, and I don't know what to do.

Dear Toronto: It's obvious that you are going to play second fiddle to Claudia as long as she lives. Are you sure you want to stay in that orchestra?

It might help for you and Jay to seek premarital counseling. Your clergy member or doctor can recommend a good therapist. I urge you to discuss this situation frankly with the counselor and ask for guidance. You must be pretty crazy about Jay to put up with all this.

Dear Ann Landers: Several years ago, my mother-in-law, "Bess," took care of her mother when she was dying of cancer. Bess has one brother, "Tommy," who lives far away and was unable to help. When the mother died, she left Bess her entire estate. This caused a major blowout between Bess and Tommy, and they haven't seen each other in 11 years.

Now Tommy is dying of cancer. He called Bess to patch things up, and they have made amends over the estate. She would like to visit him, but Tommy's wife refuses to settle their differences and has told Bess not to bother coming. Ann, should she make the 1,200-mile trip knowing she might not get to see her brother after all? Time is running out. Please advise. — Bill in Cincinnati

Dear Bill: Bess should go anyway. If she doesn't, she'll regret it.

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ANN LANDERS (R)

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