Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I am a female in my mid-30s. I have never been married, but I have two children. When my friends and I go out, unlike them, I don't attempt to pick up guys. While I don't wish to be alone for the rest of my life and would dearly love to have someone in my life, I feel that this won't happen in a bar.

My dating skills are limited, and I have no idea how to approach men that are attractive to me. In fact, I am skittish when left one on one with a male. I have tried dating services with no success, and I am really tired of having my friends and family trying to set me up. Am I missing something here? Or is it all within me? — Wallflower, in Toronto, Canada

Dear Wallflower: I've gotten many letters from both men and women that read just like this one. Believe me, you are not alone. There are thousands of wonderful people facing the same issues.

You have convinced yourself that love is easy to find for everyone else but you. You see yourself failing at finding a relationship, so every time you don't succeed, you feel validation.

My advice: Relax while in the company of men. Give up on your self- imposed expectations. Instead, open your heart and mind to the many possibilities and opportunities that surround you. Social settings go beyond your local bar. In your community, and nearly everywhere in America, there are continuing education programs, hobby groups, reading clubs, travel clubs, where people of like interests meet, work together on projects that match their interests, and become friends.

Don't search for Mr.

Right. Instead, focus your energies on things that broaden your world and my guess is that the right person will find you.

Dear John: What do you do when you're married to a man who wants to dominate you constantly, and wants to have everything his way or no way? — Ready to Pack It In, in Melbourne, Fla.

Dear Ready: Your husband may indeed have some control issues, but from your very brief letter, it is hard to determine the extent of his problem. Whatever it is, it did not develop overnight, and it's not going to turn itself around in a few days either. After all, in the past, you've let him get his way, and he expects this pattern to continue — unless you take the necessary steps to improve your situation as soon as possible. Try this: First, if he insists that you consider a suggestion he makes, listen to the suggestion, ask questions based on your concerns, then thank him for his suggestion.

Next, remind him that, since the decision is to be made by both of you, you would appreciate it if he listen to your recommendation as well. When he consents to do so, outline your case in an unemotional manner, and include highlights he may find favorable. At this point, the negotiated outcome should work for both of you.

If he dogmatically refuses to hear your suggestion, ask that the topic be shelved until he can do so. Then, politely and quietly, walk away from any further discussion. Stick to your ground until he acquiesces in hearing you out. If he stubbornly insists that his way is the only way, suggest that further discussions occur in front of a licensed counselor.

None of this will be easy. The goal is to stay away from a battle of wills, and to not give in to an unfair standoff. By holding your ground, you'll make your point, and I believe that he will respect you for it.