Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: Your response to Penelope G. missed the point. Whether or not she and her beau actually live together under the same roof, they really need to live in the same town and the same culture before they tie the knot. (It sounds as if he lives on the West Coast — a far different environment from her home state of Indiana.) Hurrah for him if he's realizing he wants to know her through the ups and downs of everyday life and know her friends and real values before they make a lifetime commitment.

As a divorce lawyer, I've seen lots of starry-eyed romantics after their relationships have soured. If all these two have done is vacation together and talk on the phone, especially while he's in school, they probably don't know enough about each other to make such a commitment. There are compromises she could make with him, short of living together, that would help increase the odds of a successful marriage. I suggest she relocate to the city where he'll be working, get settled and find out whether he's really her dream come true. — Caroline D., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CAROLINE: The voice of experience shouts loudest. A divorce lawyer's seen it all, knows it all and can give the very best advice. Your pearls of wisdom have the most credibility because they reflect the broadest spectrum. You've seen the bitterly disappointed and the furiously enraged convinced they've been sleeping with deceivers. Most often, it's they themselves who have falsified the image before them, they themselves who crave love so deeply they fall in love with a mirage. You've probably seen and heard it all, Caroline. (So have I.) Speaking woman to woman, do you still believe in the possibility of romantic love? In its transformative powers? Do let us know your feelings on this most basic of human hungers. For me, well, I am the eternal optimist, a believer in the wonder of Love.

SEND ME YOUR THOUGHTS. Contact me by writing to me in care of this newspaper or by e-mailing me at info(at)creators.com. You can link to "Single File" at http://www.unmarried.org. You also can contact me by going to http://www.creators.com. Click on "advice"; find my column; and click on "Write the author."

NUTRITION NUGGET. In the spirit of healthy singleness, consult your physician about the benefits of vitamin D. It seems to lower the risk of falls and hip fractures by making bones denser and muscles stronger. There are other benefits, too, such as higher insulin secretion, healthier gums and lower risks of breast and prostate cancers.

The vitamin seems to have beneficial effects on arthritis, mental function in the elderly, and multiple sclerosis. (This information came from the Nutrition Action Healthletter, from the Center for Science in the Public Interest, based in Washington, D.C. CSPI accepts no advertising and has been in the health information field since 1971.)

DEAR SUSAN: Obviously, the man who signed "Single by Choice" to his letter isn't single by choice, or he wouldn't be so angry! I have many single female friends, and not one has ever said she wouldn't date a man who didn't make "six figures." More often than not, we date men who make less than we do. That does become a problem, but not because of the woman. It's because of the man, who doesn't like feeling inferior. Luckily, men these days are starting to evolve to a point where they feel more comfortable staying home with the children if their wives earn more, but that's still rare.

I work in television, and I've never seen so many beautiful single women in my life. It's common talk among us as to why we can't find and keep men. In my "research," I'm finding that although men say they like women with careers, they don't like to deal with our long hours and insistent schedules. I've lost many boyfriends for that reason. I see their eyes glaze over when I say what I do and they feel their jobs are inferior. It's sad, and I can only speak for myself (and my friends) when I say we just want someone to have fun with. Don't judge us if we're not a size 6, and don't be jealous if sometimes we have to work 15-hour days. We'll make it up to you. — Doreen C., Peoria, Ill.

DEAR DOREEN: Singleness is more and more the status of choice — not only in America (where it's achieved majority status) but also around the globe (large smile of delight). But I agree that the voice behind "Single by Choice" is way too miffed to be chosen. He's been turned down, ignored or simply passed over too often to be anything but a furious reject. And that's sad because chances are his internal combustion is part of his personality by now, and so is self-defeating. (Sigh.) And yes, it's true that some men feel inferior to higher-earning women. The wise woman handles the lopsidedness by not valuating a man's worth based on dollars. She can appreciate his other strengths and the feelings he engenders in her. She can, in this situation, add to or lessen the gap between them. If, that is, it's only dollars and nothing more. You and your friends might make that the topic of your next get-together, during which the issue of earnings disparity between the sexes will come up for sure. If nothing else, it promises to be lively … and (perhaps) instructive. Think about it.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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