Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: My girlfriend and I differ on sexual values. She thinks that it's OK to talk about having sex with someone on a casual basis (someone she doesn't have a relationship with) and that it's equally OK to go ahead and do it. I completely disagree. Because of this, I have trouble trusting her. This is always in the back of my mind, even if I have no clear reason to feel anxious. How can I handle this? — Harry H., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR HARRY: By bidding her a (not so) fond farewell. This woman's a lulu, and unless you want to spend your time away from her wondering where she's prone — and with whom — best to end this fiasco. It is that, you know — a non-relationship, with a female who may be a girl but certainly is no friend. To you or anyone else in her life. Particularly to herself. You see, Harry, what has you off-center is much more than her sexual values. It's her entire character that's worrying you — and for good reason. She's telling you in her own sort of code that her body, her feelings, her very soul are empty. And your anxiety is telegraphing the message to all parts of Harryland, a very healthy reaction. This soon-to-be-former "girlfriend" is on her way out of your life because your moral code can't live with her values. Stop agonizing, dear man, and start organizing your farewell scenario. Where there's no trust, there can be no love. She's history.

DEAR SUSAN: This is in response to your comment that men are turned off by strong women. I've found that more often than not, "strong women" and "strong men" are either incredibly full of themselves or so insecure that they take out their insecurities on others. I think it's rare to meet someone of either gender who is just plain confident and can hold his or her own in a rational argument without being arrogant or insulting.

Being of Hungarian descent, I love a good debate and find it romantic (and sexy) when a woman disagrees with me and can do so intelligently.

When I was living the single life (I'm happily married now), I noticed that "strong women" tended to be inwardly insecure and outwardly aggressive and abrasive rather than calmly assertive. A case in point was when I dated someone who referred to herself as an "entrepreneur" when, in reality, she had an incredible amount of help from her father and his friends to start and run her small business. She was an incredibly insecure person, and she took it out on me in emotionally abusive ways and criticized me for not being "stronger" (read: someone who could mistreat her rather than respect her). I was very content to be out of that relationship. I'd much rather be with someone who's a bit insecure than be with a "strong" person who's arrogant and selfish and has lots of baggage. Your argument that men do not like strong women is similar to the one that women don't like "nice guys" — an argument we guys like to complain about. In reality, nice guys tend to act the way they think women want them to in order to get a date or sex. — Jim D., Cherry Hill, N.J.

DEAR JIM: Whooey! My sense is you've never met the real thing: an effective and assertive feminine woman who knows a thing or two about men and life. (Your past relationship with that daddy's girl, who railed at you for being weak, is an example of neuroses untamed, not womanly strength.) And for the record, my statement about strong women turning off men was from a quiz in my book, challenging readers to see its absurdity. The point is strong people don't need to come on strong or abuse or over-talk or win every argument. They radiate confidence quietly, without braggadocio, because they know their worth. For the health of your marriage, I hope you acquire that bit of wisdom. Soon.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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