Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR READERS: Yes, it's time to shut out all media input and tune in to your own thoughts, those truisms that can help you lead a good life — with your values and your standards. Not easy, that, when all of us are constantly being bombarded with buying "opportunities" and temptations to grab things you don't really need or want. Noise is the enemy, just as big a foe as sugar! But now that I've gotten your attention, let's make the most of this quiet interlude by posing thoughts and ideas designed to tickle your fancy — whatever that may be. Shall we start?

—Odd coincidence, the way the world is headed in two ways at the same time. As countries merge and boundaries blur, individualism is on the rise. Fellowship is in the air, yet all of us want independence (un-) and our own voices. We all need the same combination: companionship plus individuality.

—Date rape is a reality. Never, ever lead on any person who you feel is excitable or unstable. When you're with someone with that potential, kick or scream (or both) and run. Better rude than raped.

—Most people are simply not prepared to live comfortably solo, in harmony with themselves, able to build lives that feel right for them. Why not introduce courses in self-sufficiency at an early age, say, junior year in high school? It makes just as much basic sense as having children study grammar and science. Do I hear some noises of agreement out there?

—Shyness isn't a gender issue. Men and women both have lives curtailed by the inability to connect, when they want to very much. It's the result of focusing way too much on the self. Think about it; self-consciousness is the root of most social awkwardness, so next time you're feeling a bit reticent, do your best to pay more attention to the other person and less to yourself.

—There is so much pressure for people to marry. In fact, "Why aren't you married?" is the mantra of most people when they meet someone single. Here's another version: "Why isn't a nice girl/boy/woman/man like you married?" The unmarried community has been liberated from many things, but this one query can raise their defensiveness or — worse — bring their self-esteem plummeting. Society seems to feel better (relieved) when they see pairs in lock step; two by two seems acceptable, whereas walking single file isn't.

—Why is it that most of us distrust the alliances of former lovers? It makes good sense not to trash the feelings that once brought them close together just because the romantic components have fizzled. The wise ones keep thriving friendships with old loves (when possible), because you can never have too many friends.

—Women who've been around the block a few times realize that security isn't having your rent paid; it's owning the building.

—Most women who've gone through divorce or widowhood rather like the freedom of being on their own, and the ones who are economically independent aren't so quick to go back into the marriage mart. Most men, on the other hand, are eager to remarry after periods of singleness. Why is that? Are men less self-sufficient, needier?

—Have you given thought to the amount of time and attention you're willing to invest in a relationship? I suggest you give it some thought, some real deep thought. Are you up for giving your all, your heart and soul and lifetime? Or are there limits to your devotion? You should know the answers to these questions — before you enter a love relationship, that is.

—Plan a trip. That's right; you heard me. Not any old ordinary day trip, but something you're really excited to plan. Maybe a theater trip, a trip upstate with a group or a special friend. To the beach or the mountains. Think about it, and visit a travel agency. Soon.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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