Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I have been writing to a man on an online dating service for four months. We're both single, and he knows I'm hung up on him. But now he says he doesn't want to write to me as often as before. He says writing to me isn't fun anymore! What can I do to let him know how much I care for him? He really hurt my feelings. — Clara B., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CLARA: Four months does not a relationship make! Your neediness evidently got in the way of his fun, so he's calling it a day. For that, you can give thanks. The man (little boy, really) has no use for "serious," and in time, you'd only get hurt more — over and over, time after time. You don't want to be strung up by your heartstrings, so un-hang them and come down to earth. You've been living in a fantasy, girl, and what was fantasy to him was reality in your world. Well, it's over. I hope you learned not to lead with your heart; next time, hold something back, and — most importantly — find other ways to fill the void. (Help out at an animal shelter; adopt an abused dog or cat.) Come to your senses, Clara, and funnel your hurt into a great pot roast. Ask some friends over, and share a laugh (or a sob) with them. In my experience, friends are a great sounding board; they'll help you get un-hung fast. Everyone in the crying (aka dating) game knows the best way to soften the blow of unrequited love is to hear friends dissect it. C'mon, Clara, fess up; this was never anything but a mirage for two. Las Vegas is where it belongs, nowhere else.

DEAR SUSAN: Your agree/disagree statements tickled me.

—"Being single means being alone and lonely." No, Susan. I'm single, and while at times I miss having a man in my life, most of the time it's really great. (It's the inverse of when coupled people sometimes wish they were on their own.)

—"Single women have a tougher time than single men." No, I don't separate this by sexes. Everyone has things as tough as he or she makes it, and if someone is alone and miserable, he or she has the power and skills to change it (or can develop those skills). If a single person whines about how hard it is to be alone, ugh, talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy.

—"Everyone should marry and have children." No way! I'm a schoolteacher, and every day, I see neglected children.

I also see plenty of friends in weird or dysfunctional marriages. But people are where they want to be.

—"People are either independent or not; nothing can be done about it." That's ridiculous. It implies nobody can learn or grow. Of course, we all do, though we need to be careful about WHAT we learn and HOW we grow.

—"I am a half-member of my family because I am unmarried." No, but sometimes it does seem that I count differently. I'm not sure what I mean by that, but I do think it's more in my own head than it is in theirs. A family of one counts differently than a family of four.

—"My family is embarrassed that I am not married." Absolutely not. Their feelings for me are unconditional.

—"Independence means selfishness." Ha! No. In my view, having children, stuffing them into day care, working full time, and then whining that there's not enough time to do those things smacks more of selfishness.

—"People are incomplete without partners." Maybe there's a wholeness that comes from sharing myself fully with a person who can know — and accept — all of me in an intimate relationship. At the same time, things change, and losing the person who I thought did love and accept me entirely when my divorce happened, well, that was a serious wound. I think people are, at all times, works in progress, and those without partners are simply in a time when their investments start within themselves as individuals, not outward in relationships with others.

—"Love should start with fireworks. Otherwise, it can't develop." No. Sometimes people discover there are fireworks.

—"Friendship between the sexes is boring and the opposite of real love." No. I have several male friends of many, many years, whom I find important and necessary in my life for me to be able to create a balance in my perspective, without which life would be incomplete.

—"Any partner is better than no partner." Ha! That's nuts.

—"The point of singleness is to find a mate and marry." No. The point of singleness and the point of being married is to share our lives, talents and fruits of our labors with those we love. With whom to share — and how — is the only variable.

Anyone in Readerland have different answers? Here's your chance to disagree. Write in!

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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