Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q. I was strict and very loving as a parent. I praised when appropriate but criticized when necessary. A spanking taught them to avoid negative behaviors. I participated in our children's lives and introduced them to sports, music, art and other activities. I loved "hard", worked "hard" and disciplined "hard."

My son now has a 6-year-old son who is out of control. They don't spank, their discipline is lax, and the child controls his parents. His mother asks him to do something and he won't listen. She can't handle it and walks away. He'll run after her asking, “Are you upset with me, Mama?" When my son gets strict, his wife gets upset with my son. I don't have a problem with my grandson. I explain that when he asks for something I will oblige and when I want certain behaviors he must reciprocate. I expect no screaming or demanding, just nice proper behavior, and when it's bedtime, no argument.

I abide by his parents' rules. I don't spank — the one time I lightly smacked his butt, the first thing he did was tattle to his father. My son scolded me instead of correcting his son's behavior. I will not allow my grandson to be disrespectful to me or to my husband. My husband tells me, "It's not your child." My daughter-in-law reads many books on parenting. Good doesn't always come from books. Common sense and instinct count!

It takes all my strength to keep my mouth shut. I have been reading your columns and don't always agree with you, but I'm interested in your response.

A. Although I agree that common sense is important, not all would agree on what is common sense. I'm sure we disagree on spanking. While I don't think occasional spanking damages a child, there is sufficient research that indicates that children raised with spankings are more aggressive than children who aren't spanked. Former generations of children weren't exposed to as much aggression on the media as children are now. Consistent time-outs or taking away appropriate privileges together with moderate praise and emphasis on positive behaviors work well to deter most problem behaviors.

We agree on united parenting.

If one parent scolds a child for misbehavior, it causes a major problem if the other parent scolds the parent for scolding. The child will be disrespectful to the parent that scolded him and will learn to be disrespectful of all adults if the pattern continues. Ideally, parents should stick together and discuss differences privately. Parents should be respectful of grandparents and vice versa. Your grandson's behaviors do seem problematic, but, in your husband's words, "it's not your child," and unless parents are abusive, you need to follow their directives. If they ask for advice, give it, but if they don't ask, let them learn from their experiences. Actually, you have no choice, because if your children feel you're causing conflict they won't visit often.

We agree on much. We agree on the importance of consistency and that children should be respectful. We agree that they shouldn't get what they want by screaming and yelling. Finally, we agree that children should be loved, praised and introduced to plenty of activities.

In summary, we disagree in two areas: one is the use of spanking, and the second is that parents have a right to parent their children without doing it the same way as their parents. Although you're not a supporter of parenting books, I think you would like my book, "How to Parent So Children will Learn," and giving it to your son and daughter-in-law could make them a more united team for your grandchildren.

For a free newsletter about Dr. Rimm's book, "How to Parent So Children Will Learn," send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read more at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.