Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q. I am single mother and have a 2 1/2-year-old boy. I am raising him by myself with no support other than the occasional, minor help/advice from my parents. The father of my child left when my son was only a baby. Currently, there has been no contact with him and the state is looking for him to make him pay child support. I love my son more than anything, but being a single parent can be difficult and tiresome. Everyone (including my parents) keeps telling me that he needs a father figure in his life. Some have even told me that he can be psychologically damaged if I don't find someone to fill the part by age 5. I wish more than anything to have a good man in both our lives but I don't want to rush, nor can I ask someone to take on the role of being a parent to a child who is not his. I hope that I will one day find the right person who is good for both of us, but until then, I want to take my time.

My son attends daycare and has realized that some kids have daddies and he doesn't. He has even asked me where his daddy is. I have no idea what to do or say in these situations. What's the best way to tell a 2 year old that his daddy has gone away? Am I wrong for not working harder at finding a fatherly role model for him? Is it really damaging while he is still so young? I am confused as to what I should do. I'd appreciate any advice right now.

A. Most mental health practitioners would agree that good fathers are important for raising children. They would also be likely to agree that bad fathers are damaging to children. If you rush your search for a father for your son, you're likely to compromise your standards and end by having a husband and father who isn't right for you or your son.

While I don't think single parenting is ideal, and it is certainly more difficult than parenting with both parents, there are many children who have been raised successfully by single mothers.

Some even become the President of the United States. It is good for your young son to meet other male adults, but you don't have to impose on other males to take on parenting responsibilities in order for them to become role models for your son. Your own father or brothers can be helpful. Male teachers, scout leaders and sports coaches can add richness to his life without their needing to consider themselves father figures.

When your son asks about his father you can tell him that his dad decided to go away and that he didn't feel ready to be a dad yet. Then you can reassure your son by telling him that there are many different kinds of families in our world — some with dads and some without and that indeed you and he are a loving family, even without a dad. You can also tell him that someday he may have a dad, but that you want to be sure to find the right dad for him. You don't need to dwell on the problem, apologize for it, or feel sorry for him. Feeling guilty about raising him without a father won't help either. Instead, concentrate on being a caring mother, and when you're ready, be very selective about finding a loving and responsible partner who will also love to be his father.

For a free newsletter about single parenting, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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