Annie's Mailbox®, June 14
by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Dear Annie: I've been married for 40 years to a man who has cheated on me repeatedly. Over the years, he has given me genital warts, herpes and two other STDs. He has even been with a woman 20 years older. It says a lot for me, doesn't it?
I never understood his cheating because the one good thing we had together was sex. I like it, and yet he's always looking for someone better. His latest fling is with a gay man he works with. He denies it, but based on the evidence and the way the m ...
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Posted by: Jackie
Comment: #1
Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:44 PM
Dear Annie,
Your answer to Trapped in Iowa fell short. I would like to tell you that COSA (Co-dependents of Sexual Addicts) exists to help women such as Trapped.
Trapped appears to lack confidence & the wherewithall to love herself, for she is volunteering her mind to insanity & her body to sexually transmitted diseases. A woman who truly loves herself knows how to take care of herself, or in this case, seeks help to better her situation. Bravo to Trapped for reaching out!! While your suggestion of job training may be helpful, it certainly won't heal her heart or help her cope with her day to day emotions that are linked in marriage to a habitually cheating spouse. If she separates or divorces, she still has her bruised heart to mend. Separation/divorce removes one from a situation, it does nothing to mend one's heart. Care to ask me how I know this?
Trapped's behavior is indicative of co-dependency. In COSA, we admit we are powerless to control another person's sexual behavior & that our lives have become unmanagable. Yes, I believe her husband's behavior is indicative of sexual addiction.
I urge you, for the sake of Trapped as well as other hurting spouses/partners, to tell the world about COSA. COSA follows the 12 Steps that originated with Alcoholics Anonymous & Al Anon, and is proven to work. COSA is for women as well as men. With COSA, we find love & support, anonymously, and peace, from working the steps of the program. More information, including where to find a local group can be found at http://www.cosa-recovery.org.
I am very grateful Cosa exists, for my participation in this group is helping to restore my body, mind & soul to health. I am blessed & pleased to say, my husband & I just celebrated our 22nd anniversary! Our three children have parents who are committed not just to their marriage but to spiritual health as well. Without our willingness to be spiritually healthy, which is a daily decision, our marriage was doomed.
Signed,
Grateful for Cosa in
South Bend, Indiana
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Posted by: barb smith
Comment: #2
Sat Jun 14, 2008 2:39 PM
Dear Annie,
Your letter about the husband who may be acting out inappropriately, because he is hiding the fact that he is
gay, and your response, is right on the money. It makes total sense. Sadly, I belive that many who have
serious alcohol, drug and sex problems, are desperately trying to fit into a society that doesn't allow for
people to be different. I also think that many men and women who are detroying children's lives, by sexually
abusing them, do so because they are not comfortable with their "normal" relationships. It is easier for them
to take advantage of a child, then to try to continue in relationships that aren't true to their desires.
In the past, I think people didn't marry, and didn't enter "alternative" relationships. I'm not sure these
alternative relationships are healthy. All I know, is that people who are living lies, seem to self destruct
and to destroy the lives of the people they marry and the children of those unions.
Looking back at the behaviors of certain family members and their destructive behaviors, I have to wonder
if their sexual identity questions, destroyed their abilities to have healthy relationships with people in their
lives.
Great letter and Great reply.
Totally anonymous reader
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