Dear Annie: Is financially cutting off your spouse and refusing to put her on your medical insurance a form of abuse?

Three years ago, I found out my husband was embezzling funds from our joint accounts by purchasing items for work, getting reimbursed by check and then hiding the money in another account. I discovered it when my kids' school called and told me we were four months behind on tuition.

When I confronted him, he denied it. The next thing I knew, he had transferred all the balances of our credit cards onto one for which I was the primary cardholder, and had removed my name from his accounts and closed them. He then changed all the passwords so I now have no clue who we owe or how much.

My husband spends huge amounts of money on himself, and takes vacations and day-trips with the kids knowing full well I can't afford to go (and he won't pay for me). He refuses to help with child care, won't fix things in the house or car, and won't buy groceries or clothes for the kids, nothing. I make less than a quarter of what he does, and now I have no medical insurance because he said it was too expensive to put me on his plan, although the kids are on it.

Counseling doesn't work. Every time we've seen someone, he calls the person a quack and ends the session. What on earth do I do? — Sadly Broke in Simi, Calif.

Dear Simi: Controlling the money so the spouse does not have access and then refusing to pay for a spouse's necessities or insurance is indeed a form of abuse. Your husband's behavior is completely unacceptable. Before taking any action, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (ndvh.org) at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) and ask for help. Then call an attorney.

Dear Annie: My niece is getting married, and I don't want my husband to attend because he has no sense of respect. We also have a special needs son, and when we take him with us, I always end up missing the event. At the last wedding, I sat outside with my son and kept waiting for my husband to relieve me so I could get a bite to eat, but it never happened.

This time I would like to enjoy the wedding, so I'd rather my husband stay home with our son. The problem is, he'll get very angry if I ask. My adult children say I should just tell him at the last minute that I don't want him to go. What do you say? — Worn Out Wife

Dear Worn Out: We're not fans of the last-minute surprise. Instead, tell your husband you'd prefer to go to the wedding alone. If he objects, consider hiring someone to stay with your son, either at home or at the wedding (ask the bride first), so you can enjoy yourself. It seems worth the cost for the peace of mind. As for your husband's boorish behavior at the event, ignore it.

Dear Annie: "The Outsider" said her husband hears confidences from his mother with the admonition not to repeat them to his wife. My mother-in-law tells my husband things that make him mad at me — like our kids don't visit or her feelings are hurt because we spent a holiday with my parents. She tells him not to say anything to me because she doesn't want to cause trouble (yeah, right).

The result is, my husband gets mad as a hornet and we get into a terrible fight about whatever garbage his mother "confided" in him. But he always insists I shouldn't get mad at her because he wasn't supposed to say anything. If she truly doesn't want to cause trouble, she should find another confidant. — Sick of the Secrets

Dear Sick: The problem isn't your mother-in-law, it's your husband. He should not be so easily taken in by this manipulative maliciousness. The fact that he chooses her feelings over yours is the real issue.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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