Dear Annie: My daughter is married to a wonderful young man and they have a new baby girl. Unfortunately, her in-laws live in the filthiest house you can imagine. They have never cleaned or thrown anything away. They don't even own a vacuum. Not only that, but they smell and have a very unkempt appearance.

I feel bad for my son-in-law. He is immaculately clean despite coming from this horrible environment. I believe the mother-in-law must have some serious mental problems. Otherwise, how could she live like this? The problem now is, the in-laws wonder why their son and daughter-in-law never visit with the baby. I don't want to say anything, as I know it's not my place, but when they ask about having the baby over, should the kids be truthful and say their house is just too dirty? — Concerned Grandparent

Dear Concerned: A home doesn't have to be immaculate. However, when it is filthy and the occupants cannot keep themselves clean, there is often a mental health issue. If the parents have always been like this, it's up to their son to decide if he wants to broach the subject or simply visit them elsewhere with the baby. If their slovenly habits have developed within the last few years, there could be a medical problem, as well. We hope your son-in-law will suggest that his parents get a complete checkup and evaluation. You can mention this to your daughter, but that's as much involvement as you should have.

Dear Annie: When is an invitation legitimate? My wife and I live a good distance from my two older siblings. We see each other three or four times a year, and at the end of these visits, as they are climbing into their car, they invite us to the beach property they bought a couple of years ago.

My wife and I feel this is not really an invitation. If they truly wanted us to come, they'd discuss the possibility during our visit, not as they are leaving, and they would invite us for a specific time.

What do you think? We have not taken them up on any of these offers and don't plan to unless they come across as more sincere. — Mulling It Over in Mercer, Pa.

Dear Mercer: We agree that these toss-away invitations are afterthoughts, not plans. However, that does not make them insincere. With siblings, it is sometimes assumed you'll let them know when you're interested and a more formal invitation is unnecessary. So call them on it. The next time they tell you to come see their beach house, say, "We'd love to. What's a good date for you? I'll put it on our calendar."

Dear Annie: This is in response to the letter from "Fuming Sister-in-Law." She complained that the graduation invitation from her husband's nephew arrived late and was nothing more than an incredibly rude gift solicitation.

My daughter recently graduated from college and I did the same thing. Since her college does not offer announcements, the invitations fill that need. I wanted our family and friends to know of her achievement, and I included a photo of the happy graduate. I plan to do the same when her sister graduates in two years.

Before doing this, I gave it a lot of thought. I knew some of our family members and friends might look at it the way "Fuming" did, but in the end, pride won out. We weren't soliciting gifts. The invitation was an announcement of an accomplishment, nothing more. — A Proud Mom

Dear Proud Mom: We know a lot of parents use invitations as announcements (although with computer-generated printing so simple, parents could easily make their own). How the recipients choose to respond is up to them. A card of congratulations is never inappropriate. A gift is always optional.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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