Dear Annie: I have been married for 16 years and have three young children. My husband works 12-hour rotating shifts and is gone from the house at least 15 hours a day.

My problem is, on his days off, my husband volunteers to referee local football and basketball games. This starts in October and goes through March. He's gone three nights a week, and there are some weekend games that are 300 miles away, necessitating an overnight stay — and that's not counting out-of-town playoff games.

He leaves me home with the kids and expects me to do all the carpooling. My 12-year-old is signed up for basketball and swimming, and now he wants to play hockey.

I don't feel it's fair for me to be stuck with all this. I never get a break. I have even threatened to leave if he doesn't stop. We are always financially in the hole because he has to pay for uniforms, gas, motel, dry-cleaning and wear and tear on the car. My husband refuses to quit, saying he enjoys it.

Am I stuck with this self-centered man? How can I get him to spend more time with us? I love him but feel neglected, and it's obvious he doesn't care. I'm ready to pack it up. Please help. — Confused Out West

Dear Confused: Of course your husband enjoys this. It allows him to play games and escape his family responsibilities. If he has a stressful job, it's understandable he would need to blow off steam. But it is unfair and immature to do so much of it that you and the children are abandoned. The two of you should work out a compromise where he referees fewer games or just one sport. Even better, suggest he get involved in his children's athletic activities instead.

Dear Annie: My 26-year-old daughter, "Carrie," plans to marry in a few months. She has been financially independent for years, living away from home since college. She is paying for her own wedding.

Carrie and her father have never been close. Since she moved away, they get along fine, but she has some very negative memories from her earlier years when they fought a great deal. My husband has a difficult personality. He tends to be insecure and controlling. He can be unapproachable about problems.

Carrie does not want her father to walk her down the aisle, nor will he be asked, "Who gives this woman?" There will be no dancing. I'm afraid when my husband finds out, he will be very upset. Is there anything else I could suggest to Carrie that will make her dad feel special on her wedding day? — Worried Mom

Dear Worried: Would Carrie let your husband give a toast or read a poem? Would the groom allow Dad to help him dress or be a witness to signing the marriage certificate? Carrie should at least give Dad a boutonniere to distinguish him from the other guests. And you can suggest, lovingly, that her wedding day is the perfect time to try to forgive those past hurts and start fresh.

Dear Annie: I am writing in response to the letter from "Facing Reality," the 14-year-old girl who is afraid of dying.

I went through the exact same thing, starting at age 4 and lasting well into my 30s. People said, "You will get over it," or, "You are not going to die for a long time."

My fears were quite frequent and very intense, and fortunately I was finally put on medication that helped enormously. Please tell her I've been there, too, and it's nice to know I'm not the only one. — Faced Reality

Dear Faced: Anything that becomes such an obsession that it interferes with daily life may require counseling or medication. Thanks for pointing it out.

Dear Readers: Today is Family Day (casafamilyday.org). Studies show that children who eat dinner with their parents have a reduced risk of substance abuse. Please try to make meals a family event.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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