W. Bruce Cameron from Creators Syndicate

You Win Some, You Lose Some for 07/12/2008

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

My children believe they are more athletic than I am simply because they are better at sports. "No, athletic ability is 90 percent mental," I inform them archly.

"Yes, Dad, as an athlete, you are mental," they agree.

My older daughter's volleyball team participates in — and wins — national tournaments. I mentally picture myself doing what s ...

Updated: Sat Jul 12, 2008

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The Really Exciting Bus Ride for 07/19/2008

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how I made up my mind to save the planet by taking a bus to the store, and let me tell you, that column was as exciting as a column about deciding to ride the bus could possibly be. Newspapers sold out around the world, and both the Barack Obama and John McCain campaigns suspended operations for the day, stating that there was no point in making speeches if " ...

Updated: Sat Jul 19, 2008

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The Best Jobs to Have If You're Dead for 07/26/2008

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

According to a June 10, 2008, WSJ.com article by reporter Mark Maremont, the CEO of Shaw Group Inc. is in line to be paid $17 million for not competing with the engineering and construction company after he dies.

Now, I know what you're thinking: My kids would sure like it if I went to work for Shaw Group! But this company is apparently not alone in paying posthumous non-compete bonuses ...

Updated: Sat Jul 26, 2008

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The First Serious Boyfriend for 08/02/2008

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

When she was 18 years old, my daughter met the love of her life, the person who changed her life forever and without whom, she informed me, she simply couldn't live. I sometimes wonder whatever happened to that guy.

I was "cool to the concept" of her having a serious boyfriend the way liquid nitrogen is "cool to the touch." In other words, when my brain absorbed the i ...

Updated: Sat Aug 02, 2008

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France: There's the Rub for 08/09/2008

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

A July 8, 2008, article in The Wall Street Journal has convinced me that the country of France is full of French people.

The article didn't say that, exactly. What it said was that the government-run health spa at Aix-Les-Bains is having labor problems. I don't know about you, but when I read words like "government-run" and "labor problems," I just naturally think &qu ...

Updated: Sat Aug 09, 2008

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The Life of a Toast Master for 08/16/2008

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

I consider myself multitalented because I can make toast. Whenever the family gathers for a big breakfast, I'm in my corner, cranking out the toast with such efficiency that people often comment on it.

"All Dad ever does is make the toast, while we do everything else," they'll praise.

"How's the toast?" I'll ask proudly.

"Pretty good," they'll ...

Updated: Sat Aug 16, 2008

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Another Day Older and Deeper in Doubt for 08/23/2008

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

I'm aging very well — so well, in fact, that I can do it in my sleep. I can wake up in the morning and see a face in the mirror that is decades older than the one that I remember putting to bed.

Like most people, I fight back against getting older, using medicine's most potent anti-aging agent: denial. So when my birthday came around recently, I told everyone that I wanted the pass ...

Updated: Sat Aug 23, 2008

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Son of College for 08/30/2008

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

I had a roommate in college for whom the term "higher education" pretty much described the way he went off to class. "You're going to wind up flunking out and living in your parents' basement," I often warned him. I was wrong, though — his parents didn't have a basement.

What I've long since concluded is that college comes along at the wrong time in life. Why, I ...

Updated: Sat Aug 30, 2008

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Feeling the Fence for 09/06/2008

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

When I was in 9th grade, I decided it was my destiny to be a professional football player because I looked so fierce in my helmet. I spent a lot of time standing in front of the mirror in full equipment, growling through my mouth guard, squinting and sneering in such a threatening manner I intimidated even myself.

I went outside and stood ominously in front of a group of second-grade gir ...

Updated: Sat Sep 06, 2008

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Best Face Forward for 09/13/2008

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

While I've never felt my face was perfect, I certainly don't want it removed. But I'm very supportive of my children, so when my entrepreneur daughter announced that she wanted to sell me a product to take off the skin cells on my face, I reacted enthusiastically.

"No," I enthused supportively. She set up several small bottles containing magic potions and assorted goop. "H ...

Updated: Sat Sep 13, 2008

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Reader Mail for 09/20/2008

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

My favorite e-mail thus far this year was from a reader who wrote, "Dear Bruce, I was reading your column over breakfast today, and I laughed so hard beer came out my nose."

I had to wonder if this beer-spurting problem occurred only during breakfast, or if she were, in fact, afflicted with (blessed with?) the tendency to spray beer whenever she laughed excessively. Either way, ...

Updated: Sat Sep 20, 2008

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Relaxing at My Parents' House for 09/27/2008

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Recently, I decided to take a "vacation" and visit my parents, which is a little like trying to "relax" by going to a tax audit. My mother and father realize it's too late in the game to make sure I was raised properly, but that doesn't stop them from trying.

"You don't get enough exercise," my father bellows at me from his chair. I don't think he's gotten o ...

Updated: Sat Sep 27, 2008

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Too Many Cooks for 10/04/2008

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

My father thinks he's a great cook because he was a surgeon.

"Chop the onions this size," he barks, demonstrating with a deft slice of his knife. "Add two teaspoons of salt! No, you idiot, that's not how you do it! Code blue! Code blue!"

In other words, my father thinks he's a great cook because he has the skill to order other people to make a great meal.

< ...

Updated: Sat Oct 04, 2008

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Too Young for Any of This for 10/11/2008

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

I know what you're thinking: I'm too young to have a daughter getting married tomorrow. (That's what I'm thinking, anyway!)

Wasn't it just last week that my little girl, all decked out in shiny new shoes, bows in her hair, frilly dress all clean, arched her back and screamed so loud and long that the people sitting next to us had nosebleeds?

If she does that during her nu ...

Updated: Sat Oct 11, 2008

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The Smartest Guy in an Empty Room for 10/18/2008

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

I was the smartest person I knew until I met other people. Smug in my knowledge of the world, I went off to kindergarten as a mathematical prodigy, master of the complex equation "2 plus 2 equals 4." The first person I told this to, Tom Reddinger, was awed — he didn't even know there was a 4.

Other students, though, claimed to know this already, sneering at me an ...

Updated: Sat Oct 18, 2008

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Bruce the Pig for 10/25/2008

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

An alert reader recently sent me a Sept. 24 AP story about a pig named Bruce and asked me if I were somehow related.

By "alert," I, of course, mean "smarty pants." The story, though, is one I think a lot of women can relate to: Caroline Hayes, 63, of Uki, New South Wales, Australia, had a pig move into her house with her and demand she feed it and take care of it. Whe ...

Updated: Sat Oct 25, 2008

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The Great Turtle Escape for 11/01/2008

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0700

My next-door neighbor Tom called me the other day, frantically asking me to come over because his turtle ran away.

"Wait, your turtle ran away? How is that even possible?" I demanded.

"I must have left the door open to her cage," Tom explained.

I thought of a different question. "Since when do you have a turtle?"

"That's th ...

Updated: Sat Nov 01, 2008

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The Hypothetical Father for 11/08/2008

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Once, when my son was around 8 years old, he asked whether we could go see a movie (one we had just seen the previous weekend), and I said no, we couldn't. "If we're not going to see a movie," he demanded in anguish, "then why did you have me?"

He was always pretty good at asking questions — like this one, a particular favorite of mine: "Dad," he asked ...

Updated: Sat Nov 08, 2008

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Hugs and Kisses for 11/15/2008

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

My father is taller than I am. I take after my mother, who is descended from a long line of tiny people who were bred by German royalty to climb into tunnels to hunt rodents. This means it's awkward to hug my father — but it was always awkward, because we're from the part of the country where men can show affection only by insulting each other's snowmobiles.

When greeting ...

Updated: Sat Nov 15, 2008

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Some Relationships Are No Accident for 11/22/2008

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

I am not a mechanic, but I do know that if your automobile suddenly shudders and bucks, you may have a problem, especially if these symptoms are accompanied by the unexpected appearance of a Cadillac bumper in your back seat. When this happened to me a few days ago, I quickly realized I'd been rear-ended in the rear end!

I'm a pretty good driver, but I find a car crash to be something of ...

Updated: Sat Nov 22, 2008

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