Dear Ann Landers: Last December, my husband suffered a severe heart attack. The doctor suggested that I notify his family because he wasn't expected to survive. I called his three children (my stepchildren), who live across the country. The youngest son, "Ivan," and his wife came immediately.

While my husband was recuperating in the hospital, Ivan asked whether he could borrow $200 until he could get to the bank. I lent him the money. Meanwhile, as my husband's condition improved, Ivan asked to borrow my credit card because he was short of cash. To my amazement, he and his wife ran up $700 in charges without my permission. Before he left, Ivan borrowed another $500 and promised to wire transfer everything he owed to my bank account when he arrived home.

My husband recovered nicely from his heart attack, and I am grateful. However, Ivan never has repaid that money. I feel he took advantage of a stressful situation, and I'm hurt and angry. All the other children who came to see their father paid their own way and did not ask us for anything.

Ivan and his wife are expecting their first child this summer and assume we will visit when the baby is born. My husband feels we were taken advantage of when he was ill, and the thought of seeing them is creating some stress. How should we handle this? — Disappointed in Illinois

Dear Illinois: If your husband doesn't want to go, don't push it. Send a nice gift along with your best wishes. Ivan is a deadbeat, which should not be news to you. Do not — repeat NOT — lend him any more money.

Dear Ann Landers: One year ago, my eldest son died as a result of an accidental shooting. We notified my family immediately.

My brother's stepson was scheduled to be married the following day. My mother, along with all my sisters, attended the wedding and reception. It is beyond me how a grandmother could go to the wedding of a step-grandchild when her own grandson had died the night before.

I have been unable to forgive my family for being so insensitive. The fact that they were celebrating while I was in so much pain seems inexcusable. When I told my mother how I felt, she became angry and defensive. I have since tried to keep my distance from those family members and surround myself with more compassionate people. Am I being too harsh, Ann? — Confused in Colorado

Dear Colorado: I believe your grief has made you a bit too punitive. Let go of your judgmental attitudes, and mend those fences. You will be glad you did.

Ann Landers' booklet "Nuggets and Doozies" has everything from the outrageously funny to the poignantly insightful. Send a self-addressed, long, business-sized envelope and a check or money order for $5.25 (this includes postage and handling) to: Nuggets, c/o Ann Landers, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

ANN LANDERS (R)

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