Dear Ann Landers: When does a father's responsibility to his college-graduate son end?

My husband put his son through four years of a very fine college, including a nice apartment and all living expenses. "Chuck" graduated six months ago and took a job for commission only. His father paid for another apartment for three months. Chuck decided he didn't like his job, quit and has had three jobs since then. He also bought an expensive new car. Between the payments and the insurance, he is now in debt.

Two months ago, Chuck came for a weekend visit and is still here. He has a good job at the moment, although he says it's only temporary because he's looking for something better. He could afford his own apartment but has it too good with us. His father won't ask him to pay for room and board, so he has it pretty easy. Chuck comes and goes as he pleases, and some days, the only words I hear from him are "What's for supper?"

I'm the stepmother and in the middle. If I say anything to my husband, I'm afraid he will be resentful and defend his son. I also don't want to alienate Chuck. What should I do? — Worried Wife in Pa.

Dear Worried in Pa.: When a second wife gets into a controversy with her husband about his grown children from his first marriage, she's a loser before she opens her mouth, but talk to your husband anyway. Chuck is taking advantage of you, and you should not permit it. How wonderful it would be if your stepson found a lovely young woman. I'll bet he'd WANT to get his own apartment before long.

Dear Ann Landers: Last New Year's Eve, my 15-year-old daughter had a party for her friends, under my supervision, of course. At midnight, while I was busy passing out soft drinks and food, I turned around to see "John," my 40-year-old boyfriend, kissing one of my daughter's 16-year-old friends. This was no ordinary peck on the cheek. The kiss was on the lips, and John's hands were planted firmly on her behind. The girl's arms were wrapped around his neck.

When I confronted Mr. Hot Stuff later that night, he said he'd had too much to drink and didn't know what he was doing. John has apologized at least five times, but I can't seem to get that steamy scene out of my mind. He is a caring, wonderful man with a heart of gold, and we get along very well. As far as I know, he has been 100 percent faithful. Until this happened, I was sure he was Mr. Right.

Should I forgive him for this one lapse, or is it a red flag that signifies a major character flaw? I need your advice. — Unsure in Columbia, Ohio

Dear Columbia: I opt for the one-lapse explanation this time. Accept it. Alcohol can do strange things. Consider this a dead issue, and suggest that John stick to cola on future occasions.

Is alcohol ruining your life or the life of a loved one? "Alcoholism: How To Recognize It, How To Deal With It, How To Conquer It" can turn things around. Send a self-addressed, long, business-sized envelope and a check or money order for $3.75 (this includes postage and handling) to: Alcohol, c/o Ann Landers, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

ANN LANDERS (R)

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