Dear Ann Landers: Twenty-seven years ago, my mother abandoned her family. I was only 17 and newly married. My four younger siblings were raised by my loving and devoted father. Times were really hard, but he kept the family together.

My mother recently moved back to our town. She and I want to treat this as a new beginning and get to know each other again. We spend one day a week together, talking and shopping. Here's the problem: Mom constantly says nasty things about my father and tries to make him look bad. Ann, this is the man who raised us when she took off. He did the cooking and the laundry and tucked the kids in at night. When my brothers and sisters were sick, he stayed home from work to take care of them. We never heard him say one unkind word about our mother.

I know Mom left because she couldn't handle the responsibility of a family. I no longer blame her, but I remember how hard things were for Dad when she left. She isn't fooling me with her newly minted version of events. How can I get her to stop making negative comments about Dad without damaging our new relationship? I value the time I spend with her and don't want to push her away. But frankly, Ann, I can't take much more of this. — Split Loyalties in Illinois

Dear Illinois: Tell your mother in a forthright manner that you do not want to hear any more negative talk about your father because it upsets you. Let her know how much you admire the way he raised your four siblings. You owe him that. When you permit your mother, who abandoned her children, to speak ill of her ex-husband while you remain silent, you commit a serious sin of omission.

Dear Ann Landers: I am dating my ex-husband. I still love "Brent" the same way I did when we married 15 years ago. There were lots of reasons for the divorce, but we managed to stay friends and never stopped having sex.

Here's the real problem: Brent remarried after we divorced. I know it's wrong to keep seeing him, but we can't seem to stay away from each other. I have urged Brent to spend more time with his wife, but he won't listen. The truth is I'm not sure I want his marriage to work. I feel certain Brent and I could make a life together again if we tried. In fact, I suggested he move in with me, but that scares him. He says he loves me but not the way he used to.

Brent is a wonderful father to our children, and they keep saying they want him to live with us again. Why is he still sleeping with me if he isn't willing to commit? I need some advice. — Confused in New York

Dear N.Y.: Brent is just using you for sex. Stop sleeping with him at once. If he wants to put the marriage back together again, he will have to give up his current wife. Make it plain. Put the ball in Brent's court, and tell him there will be no compromises.

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ANN LANDERS (R)

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