Q: Two years ago, as a widow who loves men, I chose to move into an active retirement community. I believed that it would be the most likely place to find a new husband. So far, I haven’t found one. Am I being realistic?

A: Because statistics show that more than ever second marriages are ending in divorce, many seniors are choosing not to marry but instead to cohabit. Cohabiting offers partners more freedom, the ability to face fewer social pressures than before, reduces financial risks, minimizes concerns about becoming caretakers, limits commitment to step-families, and avoids adult children’s’ opposition to remarriage. With medication and pills, more options are also available sexually for men and women.

There are many positive reasons for a widower to remarry or cohabit. Men bond with their friends, but rarely develop real intimacy with other men. Although loneliness is usually their biggest concern, they frequently question their ability to satisfy the new woman in their life in bed. They need someone to love and to love them, and worry who will care for them if illness strikes.

Do not give up. You are in an ideal environment to search for a new husband. Marriageable partners are available and good matches can be found. Consider Joseph Newton’s advice that “Happiness is not what we have, but what we use.”

If you believe and commit yourself to finding a new partner, you will!

Q: My husband and I have been compatible in our 36-year marriage. He had a good management job, but recently he and his boss got into an argument, and my husband accepted a buyout. Afterward, my husband wanted to move to a retirement community. Now, he regrets his choice. I have tried to pep talk him up, but he spends most of his time watching television. What can I do?

A: First, have your doctor check him for general health and possible depression. Because he was not appreciated at work, he might have developed a negative attitude long before retiring. Culturally, men want to be responsible, protective, and lovers. When they learn they are no longer needed they fear losing income, missing good friends, and become more concerned with their health.

Schedule a serious talk with your husband to determine the root cause of his changing personality. You may need professional counseling.

Making threats to divorce or separate generates fireworks. Silence on your part, particularly when you believe he is out of line, is your most effective reaction. Timing can be critical. Each partner wants and needs to be respected as partner. Do not use a counter attack as it will only backfire and complicate your issues. Retaliation can result. Anger provokes anger. Focus on the issues, and not him as an individual.

Tell him you love and want him, and that you are sorry he is so unhappy. Ask him what you can do to resolve your differences. Take your share of responsibities by confessing you, too, have failed him because of feelings and actions. Healing hurts and takes time to cure. Because you have experienced a successful long-term marriage, now is no time to dissolve it without a good fight to save it!

“It is better to debate a question without settling it than settle it without debate,” said French moralist and essayist Joseph Joubert.

Doug Mayberry makes the most of life after work in a Southern California retirement community. Contact him at deardoug@msn.com. To find out more about Doug Mayberry and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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