Q. My wife is being scheduled for serious surgery in about three weeks. She is panicked because she doesn't understand what the doctor is actually going to do and what the results may be. I have been on a lengthy business trip but am now home. How can I help?

A. Make a joint appointment immediately and discuss your wife's trauma. Every patient has the right to know and understand their doctor's diagnosis, recommendations and expectations. Doctors and patients are partners. Become aggressive and write down your questions. What are the odds for success, how long will she be in the hospital and what is the average healing time? Ask for a medication instruction printout before the operation, including a list of the possible side effects. Will your wife need a rehab facility or will she need household help?

Infections are a strong possibility in hospitals. Make sure all personnel, even meal servers, have washed their hands before administering medications or touching her.

If the operation is not an emergency, try not to schedule the date on holidays, close to her doctor's vacation or at the end of the week. You will usually get more attention on Monday through Wednesday when a full, experienced staff is on duty.

Make sure your internist is experienced. You can check your doctor's certifications, if he has filed, by calling the American Board of Medical Specialties at 1-866-ASK-ABMS or online at www.abms.org.

Ask your surgeon if he personally will be doing the entire operation. If you would like privacy, and are not yet ready for company, ask your doctor to write an order that she is not to have visitors.

You and your wife have the right to make your medical decisions. Don't surrender that responsibility!

Q. I am recently widowed with two sons. We rarely spoke with one son during the last seven years of my husband's life. We had planned to give each son equal shares in our estate when I died. We love both sons, but they simply took different paths. I am now considering the thought of dividing our estate differently. Am I wrong to do so?

A. The answer is never easy. Your decision is final. Adult children do not have an automatic right to any inheritance. Remember, your first priority is to protect your own health and welfare.

Greed, favoritism, divorce and dislikes are always lurking in the wings. What do you want your gifts to say about you?

Questions worth considering are what each son needs based on his income, health, marital status, number of children and lifestyle.

Consider discussing your finances, will and possible trust as this could activate and reveal family controversy. However, doing so will help you make up your mind and to finalize your decision.

Issues such as resentment, inability to communicate, lack of career success, jealous wives, past experiences, prejudices and many other family involvements should be evaluated.

Sometimes major conflicts reveal themselves when siblings learn your intentions. Brace yourself for a possible adverse reaction. So be it!

Doug Mayberry lives in a retirement community in Southern California. Send your questions to him at deardoug@msn.com or write to him at P.O. Box 2649, Carlsbad, CA 92018.

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