Dear Margo: My husband of four years, "Ralph," served in the Air Force before we met. He received an injury to his leg and was deemed permanently unfit for combat. The first morning we spent in our new house, he put several pictures of another airman on our mantle and he never took them off. He won't tell me who the guy is, and he never tells me anything about his years in the Air Force. I can understand the PTSD and the fear of loud noises, but I can't handle the secrecy. I once tried to put up Christmas decorations on the mantle, and he became so angry he knocked me to the ground. I love this man and want to stay with him, but I keep feeling that the mystery man is more important to him than I am. What do I do? — Wondering Who the Heck Is This Guy?

Dear Won: I have only two guesses: the mystery man was a dear friend who was killed in combat, or they were gay lovers. If your sex life is satisfactory, then I suspect you can eliminate one of these possibilities. Also, a married man who wishes to be married does not display pictures of a male lover. My first thought was: Don't let it be so important to find out. But then I put myself in your shoes and realized that several pictures of a man I knew nothing about on my mantle would make me a little crazy, too. I would suggest you make an appointment with a psychiatrist who deals with the military (perhaps ask a nearby VA hospital for a referral) and work this out with someone familiar with these kinds of situations. There is the possibility that your husband feels responsible for, and therefore guilty about, this man's death. (I have a strong hunch the man is not alive.) Again, a military shrink can give you proper guidance — and he may suggest your husband talk to someone, as well. — Margo, clarifyingly

And Nobody Doesn't Like Sara Lee

Dear Margo: Recently, my husband and I took a mutual friend out to supper for her birthday. We told her to pick the place, and she selected one because she liked their cheesecake. When we were seated, she asked the waitress what they did for birthdays. The waitress told her they served chocolate cake. Our friend proceeded to tell the waitress that she did not like chocolate cake and asked if she could have cheesecake. The waitress said she wished they could offer cheesecake on birthdays but the manager limited it to chocolate cake. Our friend asked to speak to the manager. After the waitress left, I told our friend we would be happy to buy her a slice of cheesecake. The manager came to the table and she proceeded to wrangle with him to get the cheesecake. I was so embarrassed I just looked down at my menu. Our friend seemed quite pleased when the manager relented. I found her behavior obnoxious and do not want to go to a restaurant with her ever again. I can't see why she felt the need to "score" a cheesecake. — Appalled

Dear Ap: Your friend's behavior suggests she gets her jollies from small battles and petty victories. Of course it was rude and pushy and not at all considerate of you and your husband as the hosts. It is interesting that in gaining a piece of cheesecake she apparently lost two friends. — Margo, frowningly

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2008 MARGO HOWARD

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