Dear Margo: My husband and I have been married for three years. We are both military and in the same field. We have the same exact argument at least twice a month because he does not do his part at home. He is always "tired" from his long workday — the same one I have. I am also experiencing a high-risk pregnancy and was told by my doctor, in front of my husband, that I should cut back on my daily routine so as not to risk losing this baby — as I did our first one at 22 weeks. It has been difficult because if I don't do everything it doesn't get done. This includes bills, housework, cooking, the dog, and I also go to school. All he does after work is play video games and sleep. I can't even get him to look after his own dog. I feel like I am raising him instead of being married to him, and it's wearing me down. After every argument he tells me, "I really am going to start helping out, babe." I even tried doing nothing to see if he would take the hint, but things just started to pile up and it got really gross. I'm afraid that after the baby comes, if I still feel like I'm doing everything alone, I might as well be alone. — Married Single

Dear Mar: I think you've hit on a very effective approach: After the baby comes, if you still feel like you're doing everything alone, you might as well be alone. Furthermore, tell him if he doesn't make good on his promise to "start helping out, babe," you'll have to think about whether you can be married to a man who chooses video games over pitching in to be a real partner, especially given the pregnancy. If he still can't get with the program, play your trump card and invite him to move out for a trial separation. To call this man insensitive is to be generous. — Margo, distastefully

When Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Dear Margo: I have been married for 11 years. Four years into our marriage, my husband found out he is diabetic. He was told he needed to quit smoking and drinking or he would be dead in five years. Well, he is still here, but has not quit, let alone slowed down. This has now put our relationship in a bind. The affection is gone. He says it is because of his "diabetes." He uses this as his excuse for everything. His sex drive is nonexistent. He has been given many pills to help him out, but still he does not want to have sex. He has gone so far as taking the pill and then going to sleep, saying he "does not want to now." I feel so left out emotionally that I can sit and cry for hours over this. I talk to my girlfriend, and she tells me he will only change if he wants to. She has even said that if I were to have an affair, she would understand. When do I say enough is enough? I need affection and I am deeply deprived of it. How do I get him to understand this? I don't want to be a widow at the age of 40. — Dejected

Dear De: I suspect you will not be able to get him to understand this or much of anything. To put it anther way, I think he understands your position but doesn't care — either from believing he is half-dead anyway (not true) from depression, or out of selfishness. I would seriously consider undoing the marriage. I do not believe people should live in misery if there's an alternative. The fact that he is still smoking and drinking says a lot. — Margo, pragmatically

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2008 MARGO HOWARD

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