Dear Margo: I have seen an old friend fall for a man I think is a sleazy jerk and certainly a non-starter in terms of a continuing relationship, let alone marriage. She has money of her own and very few relatives. He seemed to swoop down on her out of nowhere. They have announced an engagement. He has no friends and seems incredibly immature, but somehow very seductive to my friend (who loves his job and profile). Nobody in our area had ever heard of him, and I suspect he is bisexual and looking for a beard. I cannot bear to be in the same room with him. This guy is obviously a user, has a harsh, dominant personality and has dabbled (and still does) in the singles scene. To someone who does not know about these lifestyles, the clues get overlooked. My friend is very naive sexually and does not get the hints and traits that make this man look totally wrong for her — and even possibly like a predator. He has her trained to respond when he says "good girl" and more. She becomes more infantilized every time we speak. Her kids are grown, and they hear from her (like me) less and less. Do I speak up or keep my friend? The former puts me in the rearview mirror. — Frantic

Dear Fran: This really does seem quite pathetic. Your friend sounds unconscious and definitely lonely. Her responding to the "good girl" business suggests that this man has also taught her to roll over. I would recommend that you and her children stage your own kind of intervention. I think all of you should have a sit down and tell her of your concerns, and also how you've seen her change. I don't hold out a lot of hope that you will make any headway, so at the very least make a pitch for a pre-nup. That ought to scare him away, and if not, there is only so much you can do for this unfortunately bamboozled friend. — Margo, warily

Some Kind of Intervention Is Required

Dear Margo: My husband and I have been married for 12 years. Things were fine until 10 years ago, when he started to have erectile dysfunction problems. Then he had a heart attack in 2000. Since then our life has been more like roommates despite all of my talks, pleas and anger about trying to get him to do something. Now he tells me to either get a lover or learn to live without. His parts are working, after getting Viagra from his doctor, but now he won't try. I am very upset. I love my husband and want to grow old with him. We are both in our 50s and still have a lot of life ahead of us. I have no idea where else to turn or what to do next. — Cut off at the Pass

Dear Cut: Well, something is on his mind ... and it's not sex. I doubt that it has anything to do with his heart attack because his lack of interest preceded the medical crisis. Perhaps his ED problems made him insecure or depressed; I don't know. In any case, I see no reason for you to live without, since it is possible for you to live with. I would tell him that it's generous of him to invite you to take a lover, but that you'd prefer a couples counselor — for both of you. If he has to talk about what's going on, he may be able to fix it. I wouldn't let him throw in the towel. He owes you that much. — Margo, probingly

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2008 MARGO HOWARD

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