Dear Margo: Three years ago I started a condoned affair with another man. This affair changed rapidly over five months from a "fling" to an all-out love affair that only ended when he asked me to leave my husband. I had been married less than a year when this happened and was scared by the thought that I actually wanted to do it. I cut my ties with him and told my husband that I had done so. Three weeks later we discovered I was pregnant. I had slept with both men at this time and both men knew about each other. After I told my husband, I called the other guy and swore up and down that the child was not his and I was happy to be pregnant by my husband. We all let it drop at that. However, two years later I have a beautiful baby boy who looks nothing like my husband and has the personality of the other man. In my heart I am convinced he is not my husband's son. The other man is currently serving a tour in Iraq. Do I tell him about his son? I wish there was someway I could get a paternity test, but I think it's best to let sleeping dogs lie, though I worry that the other guy deserves to know. Am I wrong to deny him the chance to be a dad? — Holding Back

Dear Hold: What is to be gained by revisiting your earlier decision to stay in your marriage and tell the other man the child was your husband's? Your little boy has a dad, and it would turn your life upside down to tell this man he has a son. Nothing good would come of it ... but you might wind up with a custody suit or a divorce. Just hope your husband has not picked up on the child's resemblance to what's-his-name. Should this happen at some time in the future, bone up on recessive genes and suddenly remember your Uncle Charles who looked quite a bit like your son. — Margo, prudently

An Old, Sad Story

Dear Margo: I am 27 years old and have a son who's almost 5. When I was 5 years old, I was molested by my stepfather who is still, to this day, married to my mother. I have told my mother what happened to me when I was younger and no matter how many times I tell her, it seems that she doesn't believe me. She becomes irate and rude. I just can't get through to her that I don't want anything to do with this man.

My mother will make me feel bad if I don't want to go to a dinner or family gathering. In the end, I go and am very uncomfortable. I don't like being in the same room with a man who molested me for 10 years. This whole situation ruined my first marriage. To sum it all up, I don't want my 5-year-old son to be anywhere near this man. How can I get it through to my mother that I don't want anything to do with this man, or her, when he is around? — Wounded

Dear Wound: Forget about getting through to your mother. Chances are that, deep down, she knows what went on, but her denial is necessary so she can keep her marriage together — which is what she clearly wants to do. This is actually quite common. You would not believe the number of young women who are in your shoes wondering why their mothers cannot face the truth. I hope you will sever communication with your mother, which will solve some of your problems. It will also say a great deal in a way she cannot ignore. Your mental health requires that you be free of this pair. I think you will feel empowered. Finally. — Margo, consolingly

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2008 MARGO HOWARD

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