Work Daze by Bob Goldman

This economic disaster does not play favorites. Pick any person, in any job category, and you will find fear, depression and uncertainty. Even the strongest people, with the best prospects, the most education, and the highest level of job skills live in fear of a sudden reversal that will put them permanently out to pasture.

When it comes to feeling scared and hopeless, this economy — as they say in employment ads, back when there used to be employment ads — is an equal opportunity employer, male and female.

Or is it? According to personal branding expert Catherine Kaputa, female job searchers have a "feminine advantage: distinct, hardwired advantages over male counterparts and competitors."

If you're a woman, Kaputa says, all you have to do is leverage your natural advantages. What a man is supposed to do, Kaputa does not specify. ("Giving up" might be one strategy — putting down your beer, stripping off your football jersey, enjoying one last, loud burp, and walking into the sea.)

In her new book, "The Female Brand: Using the Female Mindset to Succeed in Business," Kaputa presses her case that "women are naturally wired for success." Using what her publicity person — a woman, naturally — describes as "the latest brain science," the author "debunks old and misguided workplace myths that women must think and act like a man to succeed."

Unfortunately, in this economy, even thinking and acting like a man is no guarantee for success. That's why I feel it is absolutely fair for men to use the "feminine advantage" to solve our job problems. For a girlie man like me, this should be relatively simple. But the way I see it, even a he-man like you could benefit from taking on few of these girlish traits.

For example:

Tune in Emotionally: Women are especially "intuitive and empathetic," says Kaputa. It's a condition she chalks up to a higher level of hormones, such as estrogen and oxytocin. By being more open to others' feelings, her theory goes, women can form closer bonds to "build strong and healthy work relationships."

Accepting for a moment that a "healthy work relationship" actually exists, this lack of hormones is a difficult hurdle for mankind.

You could ask for extra estrogen on your double cheeseburger, or add an oxytocin chaser to your boilermaker. But the harsh truth is that, in the game of biology, you have to play with the hormones you were dealt. That leaves guys with testosterone, a hormone more connected with caveman violence than with intuition or empathy.

However, now that you know you are competing with a bunch of sensitive, highly hormonal women, you could make an effort. It's a drag, but try asking your managers to share their feelings — right before you pummel them.

Create an Attractive Package: Kaputa rightly reports that attractive people "are viewed as being smarter and more competent," but I do believe she errs in suggesting that women have "naturally better instincts, as well as more 'visual aids' to work with than men do." You don't have to be female to "accentuate your best features," as you prove every day with a hairpiece that says to management that you are an out-of-the-box thinker. How else could they explain a man who wears a squirrel on his head? And don't be afraid to develop your natural gift for accessorizing. Remember — a Kegerator goes with everything, especially if it comes from Gucci.

Be Likable: Kaputa believes women have a gift for "compassion, empathy and intuition," which translates into a higher level of likability, "a key asset in the workplace." This is clearly wrong. How many hours have you spent watching "The Hills"? Sure, the girls are compassionate, but you don't really like them — except for Audrina, of course.

Besides, who says likability is an important element to success? Look at your management team. Is there one iota of likeableness in the entire bunch?

Here is where men have a real advantage. You can stay the uncompassionate, un-empathetic, unintuitive jerk you really are, but hide all your natural unlikability behind an image of feminine friendliness and caring and sharing. That way, when you strike, no one will expect it!

Sure, it's a lot of work to be a girlie man, but if the price of succeeding in this rotten economy is a touch of blusher and a pair of Manolo Blahniks, I say, pay it.

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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