Dear John: My boyfriend is very suspicious, and into modesty — mine. On several occasions he's asked me to change, because he says that I wear clothes that attract other men's attention. I'm allowed no guy friends, and I've lost contact with all my girlfriends. I can never go out alone with my remaining girlfriends. He has to be with us. When I go to town, I have to ring his phone. When I get back, I have to ring it again! He said he does these things because he worries about me and cares about me, He wants me to keep in contact with him constantly. I have to send him about five emails and phone him about three times each day! When I don't answer my phone, when my phone is not with me, or I don't answer quickly, he gets paranoid. Then the questions start: Where was I, what was I doing, who did I see, things like that. What do I do? — Captive, in Augusta, Ga.

Dear Captive: You get out of that relationship as quickly as you can. While he may not yet have been physically abusive, his manipulation of you is a form of emotional abuse. Any guy who is that controlling is the last guy with whom you want to be in a relationship.

You can't work on his issues. You can only deal with your own. Your exit form this relationship may trigger an aggressive, negative reaction on his part. Seek support immediately. Start with the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Their website is http://www.ndvh.org/ This organization has dealt with millions of similar situations, and will give you advice on ways to make this transition. Also, begin immediately to let friends and family know that you've broken up with him, that you have no desire to have anything to do with him, and ask them not to reveal your whereabouts. I have a feeling you'll get some much-needed support in this decision. You'll get some of this from family and friends, but I would recommend that you also consider counseling to address the issue of why you felt it necessary to stay with him as long as you did. You deserve better.

Dear John: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We live together. About six months ago, I caught him looking at naked celebrities on the Internet, and he is always making comments about women on television. They were really beautiful with big breasts. His behavior made me feel ugly and unworthy because my breasts aren't that big. Admittedly he does not do it anymore because I let him know it has hurt me, but I cannot get over it and now I can't trust him anymore. That was six months ago. Please help me get over this. — Prim about Porn

Dear Prim: It is a fact that men are stimulated by erotic images. To do so is to play out fantasies, and may in fact have no bearing on what they know is the reality of their own lives, or affect their feelings for the women they love.

However, when they pursue their sexual fantasies in the manner in which you described, their behavior may be hurtful to the women they love. I agree with you that it is wrong of him to make comments about these women in front of you. You've asked him to stop and he has done so, demonstrating that perhaps he has learned the lesson to keep some of his erotic thoughts to himself. It's time to let you and your relationship move beyond this issue.

As for your own sense of self-image, please consider the fact that that he would not be with you if he did not find you attractive. The only one you need to please in this regard is yourself. If you are happy, and he is the right guy to be at your side, he will be happy for you.