Dear John: My husband and I have been married for 10 years, and we have two, sweet, little sons. Last fall, he left after telling me he never loved me, and that he felt cornered into the marriage. Just this weekend, we agreed to divorce. I'm heartbroken, but he said it's out of his hands and can't help how he feels about me. He was not mean, and I know he feels guilty; he has apologized and I have forgiven him. But I still love him very much. Why do I still feel as if this is a failure on my part? I keep seeing myself as flawed, and I desperately need to get myself together for the sake of my boys. Can our marriage still work if only one of us is willing to work at understanding our differences? — Wants to Hang in There, in Memphis, Tenn.

Dear Wants to Hang in There: Your attempts at reconciliation are admirable. But consider this: It takes two to make a marriage and break a marriage — but to change a marriage takes just one of you.

Any changes you are willing and able to make will, in time, affect how he views you and the relationship. Even if you change, if he is unwilling to accept these changes or unable to consider changes in his own behavior, then you are back where you started.

Separation prior to a divorce gives both partners the opportunity to reconsider the issues that created the problems in the first place. In the past year, you've both had time to think about — and act upon — these problems. If he is not willing to change or accept change in you, then the best thing you can do is release yourself from any feelings of guilt or failure. You did not fail, the marriage failed. Learn from these mistakes and move on with the rest of your life.

Dear John: My wife "Patty" and I have been together for over eight years, but only married for the last seven months. We have had communication problems in the past and when we got married, I thought we were both 100 percent committed to each other forever. Late last year, we had a minor argument that I thought could have been easily worked through once we cooled down.

The argument ended up being a triggering mechanism that brought up pain, anger and resentment, making Patty suddenly realize marrying me may have been a complete mistake, and that I might not be able to provide her with what she 'needs.' She says she is exhausted and not even sure if she wants to try and patch up our marriage. We are on friendly terms and have now decided to separate, so she can find herself and know for sure if she still wants to be married to me. I love her very much and want to do what is best for her. I have supported her decision because I love her, but I am still very scared. Do you have any advice for me to help support my wife, yet also keep myself afloat, during this difficult time? — Broken Guy, in Larkspur, Calif.

Dear Broken Guy: Supporting her as she sorts out her feelings is truly an act of love. By validating her feelings, she will know you have indeed heard her issues and want to deal with them as her soul mate and partner. Also, you can make a list of mistakes you feel you've made in the relationship. In a letter, enclose the list and ask her to verify your accuracy. This will acknowledge the problems you brought to the relationship and your willingness to change.

Then, grant her the time to consider her feelings, and to decide if she should return to the relationship. Remember: You are not a martyr, so don't act like one. You're a guy that made some mistakes in his relationship, but is big enough to recognize this, ask for his wife's forgiveness and follow through on his ability to change.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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