Dear John: I have a fifteen-year-old daughter who has always been well behaved until recently. She is still a fairly good student and belongs to the cheerleading squad. However, I feel her small circle of friends have problems and they are affecting her negatively. She no longer follows through with plans and I never know where she really is. I have caught her telling me stories and she has become belligerent and rude. She seems to be stressed out by these kids as well, trying to solve their problems and covering up for their bad behavior. They have stolen from us, lied to us, and I have found one of them to be on drugs on several occasions. One also professes to have bulimia, but my daughter says she is just pretending. I have waited in vain for her to get tired of the problems and find some new friends but that doesn't seem to be happening. I have always believed that if you tell a teen they can't see someone then it would become more important to do so. I am on the verge of telling her, "That's enough! You don't make good decisions in their company, so find new friends." What do you think? — She's my Daughter Dearest, in Dunwoody, Ga.

Dear She's my Daughter Dearest: At a time when our children are facing more freedom and more choices, they are also facing more challenges and more stress. Despite our natural inclination to give them the benefit of the doubt, you are morally and legally responsible for your teenager's actions until she becomes an adult. Sometimes this means asserting discipline, which in her eyes, might make you "the bad guy."

Every parent needs to know the whereabouts of their children at all times. In a world of cost-competitive cell phones, pagers, calling cards and collect call numbers, there is no reason for either of you to be out of touch with the other. As she is still in school, school days should have an agreed-upon curfew, perhaps with more leeway on weekends.

The greatest support a parent can give a teenager is an open line of communication. You obviously have a strong rapport with her, or you wouldn't know as much as you do about her friends and their problems. Know this: She would not be telling you any of this if she did not feel she needs your guidance and input.

A direct command to stay away from her troubled friends may indeed cause a backlash. To avoid this and to sustain the open communication you've established, make it your mission to listen carefully to her, and do so without repercussions or exerting control. Instead, act as a sounding board. Your questions should encourage her to think through the long-term consequences of her future decisions — including the decision to continue these friendships. You should also encourage her to set the parameters that indicate that she or they have crossed a behavioral boundary that is unacceptable, either morally or legally. You can help her set these parameters by going through the possible consequences of these unacceptable acts, and encouraging her to follow through on her own recommendations should a boundary be crossed. Raising a teenager is a balance between acknowledging her growing autonomy, while motivating her cooperation and asserting your leadership. Every parent can rise to this challenge — with boundless patience, a determined will and a loving heart.

Dear John: While dating, how long should one stay in what you call in your book, Stage Two, "Uncertainty"? Should it be longer than, say, three months? — Three's Not the Charm, in Rochester, N.Y.

Dear Three's Not the Charm: It depends on the relationship. In some, the move to Stage Three, Exclusivity, happens quickly — but only if both parties recognize that their partners have all the key ingredients for a fulfilling relationship. These include chemistry, passion, like values, and a complementary stage of life. If one partner is stuck in the Uncertainty Stage, it is because this partner senses that one of these key components is missing. At this point, the other partner has two choices: wait out the uncertainty or move on. Either way, the decision is yours to make: Even if you decide to move on, if the relationship is meant to be, your paths will cross again.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE

DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.