Dear John: Since the birth of our daughter fifteen years ago, my wife has become consumed with her role as a mother. It seems as if she has no interest in me except for what logistical support I can provide to her constantly growing parenting agenda. Worse yet, we have not had sex in eight years, when our younger son was conceived. Previous to that, our sexual activity had prolonged and increasing gaps. Getting pregnant required only two acts of intercourse and probably comprised 40 percent of our lovemaking that year. In those early parenting years, she frequently complained of being tired.

After a while, this became a consistent pattern, which I resented, and I told her so. I should also add that she has gained more than almost sixty pounds since our marriage, making her sufficiently unattractive to me that I no longer regard the lack of sex per se as a loss. On the other hand, the lack of intimacy that comes with sex has made us near strangers. We have been to two marriage counselors, but little has changed. She is still very heavy, all of her nonworking hours are directed to the children, and I am still completely turned off to her. Well, several nights ago, she approached me sexually in the wee hours. That was quite a shock because she was never the type to be aggressive. Nevertheless, our issues stood between us and I ended the encounter, though without mentioning the reason. What should I do? — Turned Off, After All These Years, in Anytown, USA

Dear Turned Off After All These Years: You're right to feel emotionally disconnected from your wife. Sex is one of the most important foundations of a relationship. What has happened to your marriage is a common problem with many couples: Somewhere along the line a protracted emotional chasm opened up between the two of you. It may have been induced by the stress she felt in her role as a parent, or its cause may be other issues that either were never expressed by her, or expressed in such a way that her point was not taken by you. In the interim, her weight gain has eroded your attraction and desire for her, which is part of the intimacy that all couples need. Ironically, the extra poundage may be in part due to the emotional block that has locked her away from you, and possibly herself. But the weight itself is not the issue, or the true turnoff. After all, there are many large people who have happy relationships. Know that even should she lose weight or regain her sexual appetite, the underlying issues will still have to be resolved in order to sustain a happy, healthy relationship. Please, stay in therapy, either together or apart. Both of you need to express your feelings and issues, if not to each other, than to someone who will help you through this problem that may needlessly tear your family apart. My prayers go with you.

Dear John: I'm a male in my mid-twenties. I've been in a wheelchair since my car accident ten years ago left me paralyzed from the waist down, with little to no feeling. I have no problem dating, as I am very mobile, independent and I've been told I'm attractive. My problem is that I've hesitated to get physically intimate with my dates. I'm scared that I won't satisfy them. Just as worrisome is the thought that I won't be satisfied either. If you have any suggestions for me they would be greatly appreciated. — Not Just Half a Man, in Boston, Mass.

Dear Not Just: When a man talks about his best memory of a great sexual experience, he will always describe the response that his partner had to his endeavors. Ultimately, the greatest pleasure a man experiences in sex is the fulfillment he provides for a woman. Certainly, his own gratification is a part of it, but his true enjoyment comes from her response. By focusing on her satisfaction, you too will be gratified enormously where it counts the most — in your heart. Once you partake in experiences in which your doubts can be alleviated, consider this: For most of us, sexual gratification is the icing on the cake, whereas the cake is the day-to-day love, appreciation and respect that is given and received daily. The woman who will eventually become your soul mate will know this, and that is why you will be happy together.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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