Dear John: I am a 42 year-old mom of four children, ages 20 to 10, with three of them still at home. I've dated "Arnie" for six years. We even lived together for four years. We broke up for six months, but have resumed seeing each other again. He tells me he loves me very much, and cannot see himself with anyone else. Our big ongoing issue is my children. Arnie was an only child, and he is not at ease with my children. I know that my children must come first, but I also love this man dearly. I really want to grow old with this man, but not at the expense of my children. Is there anything I can do to assist him in getting a handle on this hang-up? — First Mom, then Girlfriend, in The Woodlands, Texas

Dear First Mom: Naturally, you're right to acknowledge that your children come first. Be there for them. Make time to see Arnie, and, in your words, not at their expense. Instead, schedule regular dates. Knowing your time constraints, if he wants to see you, he will accommodate you with this. Should you want to have an evening alone with him, do so, at his place. At least one of your children is old enough to cover for the others. Ask that he or she do so.

You can't force Arnie to like your children. You can only hope that he can accept them on terms that work for him, and that they will do the same. If you are willing to accept that fact that he does not want to participate in your parenting experience, enjoy what he has to offer you.

Dear John: My husband, "Lewis," is a car salesman. The other day, on his day off, he said he was going to deliver a car. Once he got home that evening, I asked him how he got home. He said he had left his car at work and that his male customer had given him a ride back. I find no sense in that. Why deliver a car if the customer is going to have to drop you off where the car was in the first place? I feel like pursuing this further, but I don't want to sound like I'm being jealous. Do you think I'm being too … — Suspicious, in San Diego, Calif.

Dear Suspicious: That depends. You have trust issues that go beyond this one incident. These may be a symptom of his past behavior, or they could be manifested in past experiences you've had with other relationships in your life.

You'll get your answer if you put your feelings on the table. Express your fears without anger or blame, and choose a time in which he is receptive to your needs. Reinforce your love, and acknowledge his love for you as well. Then, openly discuss your concerns. Ask him to reassure you that your feelings are ungrounded, or to discuss any issues. His assurance will go far to ease your fears, but you have to work on them, too. You can best do this by confronting any issues you have regarding loss in your life. There are many qualified counselors who can help you through this process. Fear holds us back. It's time to move forward.