Dear John: "Larry" and I are recently married. During the early stage of our relationship, we each revealed details of an unusual sexual encounter. Larry's involved a ménage à trois with another couple who have been longtime close friends with him. He continues to remain friends with them today. They live in another town. After this so-called encounter, he and the other couple agreed that it shouldn't have happened, and that they would never discuss it outside of the three of them again. Needless to say, he did tell me.

Now that I know this, I do not wish to meet this couple and or have them as friends. At first, he could not understand my feelings until I asked him how he would feel if the situation was reversed. Now he understands and says that I am the most important person to him.

Thus far, when this other couple has called to get together, we've had other commitments. But my husband feels that, because they are good friends, he cannot avoid them forever, and must somehow tell them that it is not possible to get together because of my feelings about this issue. He is not sure how he is going to approach this issue, particularly since he was sworn to secrecy. I feel bad that he is in this position, and suggested that each time they called, we might be busy, but he doesn't feel good about this. Do you have any suggestions? — No Swingtown, in Cleveland, Ohio

Dear No Swingtown: Sometimes the direct and simple truth is the best way to go. Larry should simply tell them in the clearest way exactly what happened: You were sharing secret experiences that you had in your past, and as part of that process, the sexual encounter that they shared was revealed. Because of that, you feel uncomfortable meeting them and having them for friends. He can apologize for having shared their mutual secret, and wish them great future happiness. Then all of you can put this in the past and move on with the rest of your lives.

Dear John: I've been involved with "Jeremy" for the past two years. He is emphatic about never getting married, or even having a true relationship with anyone again. Jeremy has difficulty trusting anyone because his ex-wife was unfaithful. Although we are sexually intimate and are the best of friends (we talk on the phone nearly every day and we see each other at least twice a week), we never go anywhere together. We're both middle-aged, attractive human beings and it's not as if we don't have other options. But he's content with the way things are and has stated his preference to keep things at the status quo for the rest of our lives. I know he cares about me and I genuinely care for him, and we're both active and enjoy social and sports events, yet we do everything separately. He's an important part of my life and I don't want to lose whatever it is we have, but I'm not happy with the way things are and wonder if I'm just wasting my time hoping that he'll eventually heal and get beyond the pain he suffered from his wife. I don't know whether I should remain patient or just move on. — Missing a Ring, in Portland, Ore.

Dear Missing a Ring: You're ready to move this relationship to a higher level — one that includes commitment, trust and pride in the partnership. Only Jeremy can take the steps necessary to heal his pain. If he's unwilling to do so, these issues will face any relationship he has. If he enjoys and cherishes your friendship, he'll step out into the light of day alongside of you. If not, you don't need to waste your time in a situation that may satisfy him, but is less than desirable for you. Let him know what you need. If he is unwilling to accommodate you, move on. If he changes his mind, he'll know where to find you.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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