Dear John: There is no love, no sex, no communication in my twenty-year marriage. "Arnold" and I no longer feel anything between us whatsoever, and I mean that literally! I have grown weary of it all and want out so bad I can't think straight. We have four great but rambunctious kids whom I love with all my heart, but Arnold doesn't appreciate what I have gone through for our marriage. He doesn't understand how I really feel, and how tired I am of cooking, and cleaning and sitting in this house with kids all the time and never going out. He is a workaholic, and gives all of his time to everybody else, including his mother. I feel invisible, and I'm deeply depressed. What should I do? — Over Him, in Paradise Valley, Ariz.

Dear Over Him: In most marriages, each partner assumes that the other can fulfill all their emotional needs, but this is rarely the case. A successful marriage is one in which both partners recognize that most, but not all, of their needs will be met by their loved one. They know that friends, family, careers and personal growth will fill in the gaps.

Before filing for divorce, I recommend that you first discuss your issues with a professional family counselor. By doing so, you may be able to fulfill some of your immediate emotional needs, including that strong desire you have to be heard. Once you've made this emotional shift, your view of what Arnold can provide you will be clearer. A good counselor should be able to teach you how to ask for what you want from him, recognize what he is willing to give, determine if you can live with the boundaries he has set, and rekindle the love that has kept you together all these years.

Dear John: What would keep a man from achieving sexual passion with his mistress of six years? Unfortunately, it's been this way through the entire affair. (He's only been able to have actual intercourse a handful of times.) — Sad But True, in Kansas City, Mo.

Dear Sad But True: A man's inability to achieve complete arousal could stem from a variety of factors. For example, he may feel guilty about this covert relationship, and the stress is affecting his performance.

Or, he may be of an age when enhanced physical stimulus is needed; or this may be a symptom of a medical problem. If that is the case, he should seek help from his physician.

If he has an unfulfilled emotional need, it is probably affecting his relationship with his wife, too, in this and other areas. After all, sexual fulfillment is a key ingredient in — and proof of — a successful relationship. Taking a lover, even one he cannot satisfy, might of been his way of "proving" that the problem was hers, not his. In reality, all three of you may be miserable until he acknowledges and addresses his condition. If you are indeed his friend, you may want to suggest that he seek the help of a therapist. Get a referral from the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (http://www.aasect.org/) or 804-752-0026.