Dear John: "Randy" and I are in our late 30s. We've been married for almost two years now. Recently I found out that he had opened several credit card accounts in my name, using my social security number. He said he was sorry about that. Also, about $1,600 disappeared out of our joint checking account last month, and he doesn't want to tell me why. I tried to talk about this as a friend and buddy, without getting emotional, but he answered that I don't trust him since I had put a stop on the two accounts. He has a history of credit card debts and bankruptcy. This was the main reason his last relationship failed. I tell him I love him and that I want us to share as buddies. He is drifting away. What should I do now? — Drained in More Ways than One, in Corvallis, Ore.

Dear Drained in More Ways than One: Talking buddy-to-buddy with Randy will not resolve this matter. The simple and yet difficult truth is that uncontrollable spending habits are a manifestation of other problems. His pulling away is part of his pattern of avoidance. In a consumer society such as ours, there are times when most of us overspend, but we become aware of what we have done, and we can control ourselves. However, people with spending compulsions cannot grasp how serious this can be.

Now that his problem is fully revealed, you should encourage him to get treatment for this as soon as possible. Only he can stop himself from this compulsion — if, in fact, he is willing to do so. In the meantime, do yourself a favor and take the necessary steps to secure your savings and safeguard your credit. This means closing joint checking, savings and credit card accounts. You should also talk to a credit counselor or an accountant about other measures you should take. Until he confronts this problem, it will take a toll on your feelings for him, and subsequently, your relationship.

Dear John: My girlfriend does not want to talk when she is depressed. I thought I'm supposed to try to get her to open up, but when I try, she says, "Leave me alone." I don't want to insist, so what do I do? — Following Her Lead, in Queens, N.Y.

Dear Following Her Lead: It is very common for a depressed person, male or female, to not want to talk. I use the expression that men have their caves, and women have their wells. Going to the cave or the well is a way of wanting to be in one's own space for a time. Give her the time to do so. We all have blue moods and down days. If this pattern is excessive you may want to encourage her to speak with a counselor. But the "Hey, put on a happy face," routine is not a verbal wand that you can wave to make the blues go away. Let her have her space and be there for her when her blue day has passed.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE

DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.