Dear John: Three months ago, I moved into a fabulous little cottage with my 5-year-old boy and my boyfriend, "Sam." He works very hard as a car mechanic and believes (and I quote), "I work hard all day; I am not working after that!" Of course being the woman that I am, I love a clean home, and as the old saying goes, "There is a place for everything and everything in its place." Needless to say, I am frustrated at Sam's lack of respect for my efforts to keep the house clean. I don't expect the house to be spotless; I just don't want to see dirty, smelly work clothes in the middle of the floor, or trip over shoes when I walk in the front door. I also don't want to come home after a day at the office and have to clean up. My boy, who looks up to Sam, is now following in his footsteps by becoming a slob! I have spoken to Sam about this, and asked him to please clean his messes. That suggestion turned into a yelling match. What should I do now? — Maid in Antioch, Calif.

Dear Maid: Being in a relationship requires accepting who your partner is, and what they are willing to do. If Sam is unwilling to do the things that you want in a partner, then you could say that he is not the right person for you. In your situation, however, this could simply be an issue of time and effort.

Sometimes, what you get depends how you ask for it. Try making your requests in small increments. For example: "I know you work long, hard hours and that you're very tired when you get home. I'd appreciate it if you'd just take a moment to put your shoes in the closet and your work clothes in the laundry basket." When you make a small request without justifying why you are doing so, without giving a long list of reasons and concerns, men are far more likely to accommodate your request.

Often a woman will feel guilty that she "cannot do it all." The simple truth is that you can't work around the clock. None of us can or should. It is natural to feel overwhelmed when working both in and out of the home. Remember that when both people in the relationship work, a practical solution is to have a cleaning person assist you one or two days per week. Like jobbing out the painting or yard work, it's OK to budget for additional help around the house.

Dear John: There is this really nice guy in my college dorm who is always being very sweet and hanging around my room. Unfortunately, I feel nothing for him. He has asked me out to a movie, coffee house, even lunch, but I have not expressed any interest. So why doesn't he get the message? Is this harassment?

— Growling Now, in Boston, Mass.

Dear Growling: Harassment can be a relative term: The very things that he is saying and doing if you were interested in him would be flattering, but because you're not it feels like harassment.

In this situation rather than being judgmental or making light of his overtures, you need to give him a clear and direct message. You should not do this in front of others. Pick the right time when you are alone for a moment and explain in this manner: "I want you to know that I'm not interested in our having a relationship. Please do not pursue one." You are not seeking to express anger or frustration, nor are you seeking to explain. He needs a simple and direct approach and your message may need repeating. The more words you use to communicate your message, the weaker your point will be. You're not seeking his approval or input, and you're not seeking a conversation. The goal is to set a boundary. Such brevity will make your point clear to him.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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