Dear John: I recently shared with a close friend the fact that my husband and I had an argument. Upon hearing this, she admitted that two months ago, he had come over to her house at two in the morning and asked her to help him with an excuse for why he was coming home so late, and she did. Of course, it concerned me that she hadn't mentioned this to me before now. I told her that, if she were truly my friend, she should have told me that night or that morning. I then confronted my husband with what she told me, and he denied everything. I know I have to stick with my husband's denial, but this has put a strain on my friendship with her. I'm now questioning her intentions. Is she trying to bring chaos into my life? Is she after my husband? I want to be her friend and I want to trust her word. What should I do? I'm — Betrayed, in Charlotte, N.C.

Dear Betrayed: For whatever reason, your girlfriend fell for your husband's plea and thought she was helping out. When she realized she had been taken in, she reversed course. Through her loyalty to you, she told you the real story.

It could be that her only mistake was trying to save you any pain. Don't shoot the messenger. Instead, now that both of you have acknowledged her mistake, ask her if you can resume your friendship, and then deal with the issue of your husband's indiscretion, but do so with him. By getting into professional relationship counseling, you'll be able to get a more objective viewpoint on the state of your marriage. Also, this will let your friend off the hook when it comes to getting involved in your relationship problems.

Dear John: My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. We have a 12-year age difference, which is fine for both of us. I'm now 32 and he's 44. When we first started dating, he had promised to help me explore the sexual side of myself, because I have never known what it was like to enjoy sex. In my life I had only been with one other man sexually, my ex-husband and our relationship was never sexually successful.

After five years my new man has not lived up to his offer. I'm tired of begging! It seems to me that all he is interested in is satisfying himself. When I bring up my needs, he says he doesn't want to hear about it, that he's "too tired," or "some woman don't ever enjoy sex," or "not every woman can have an orgasm." This makes me feel so terrible! I'm at the point where I'm thinking of having an "affair." Will this put all my curiosities to rest? I really love my boyfriend and cheating would make me feel terribly guilty, but I'm tired of his rejection. What should I do? — Perplexed, in Clearwater, Fla.

Dear Perplexed: Initiating an affair is not the answer. It won't solve any of your problems, and might possibly cause bigger ones for everyone involved. As for his broken promise, many men will do or say what is necessary to close the deal with the conquest they are seeking. You were looking for a seasoned lover, and he gave you the hope and the promise you wanted to hear.

I agree with you that his insensitive answers dodged the real question: Will he or can he deliver the passion you are seeking? From what you have written, it sounds like you've had a total of two lovers in your life. To reach the sexual heights you are seeking, you may have to look further than you already have. Like every other choice in your life, you and you alone must decide what sacrifices you are willing to make to reach your promised land.