Dear John: My wife, Ella, and I have been married 22 years and have three children. There is a man, Earl, who works with Ella. Earl is in his late 30s and is a terrible flirt with all the older married women in the office. In fact, Ella had to buy him birthday and Christmas gifts because he buys stuff for all the women, so they all shop for him, too. We recently went to Hawaii and renewed our vows. We shopped for souvenirs for the kids. At the same time Ella bought Earl a T-shirt because he told her he'd bring her something from Hawaii. When I found out, I blew up. I don't believe she would ever cheat on me, but am I wrong in not wanting her to buy gifts for a young, unmarried guy? How can I ever really trust her again? — Jealous, in San Carlos, Calif.

Dear Jealous: You have every right to point out to her that her actions make you uncomfortable and insecure. However, losing your temper is simply going to put off the real issue: your fear that this person may mean more to her than she lets on. This is a good example of how unresolved fears can spiral out of control.

Don't allow your fear to take over your actions. Instead, calmly ask her to consider her feelings if the shoe were on the other foot and it were you who were picking up a souvenir T-shirt for your young receptionist back at the office. That wouldn't make her feel so great! Then say, "I know this is all just innocent fun and games, but your relationship with this guy makes me very uncomfortable. As soon as possible, just tell him you don't have the time." She'll follow through, because your love is more important to her than him.

Dear John: In your book "Mars and Venus on a Date," you say that a woman should never reach over and unlock the car door, however, I read in a different book that if a woman doesn't unlock the door she loses points and chances are there won't be a second date. Of course, now I am really confused. Please explain. — Standing Outside the Door, in Dallas, Texas

Dear Standing Outside the Door: Many things change over time. But one thing that has always remained a constant is a man's desire to perform for a woman as part of the mating ritual. In "Mars and Venus on a Date" I am making the point that men who want to make a strong impression on a woman are looking for opportunities to perform small acts of kindness. When these acts are immediately matched by an act of her own, it may diminish the special nature of what he has just done. Instead of acting in kind, I encourage women to show their appreciation at other times, with other kinds of random acts: a sweet thank-you note after a date, an impromptu small gift, or a dinner invitation. After all, showing appreciation in different ways through random acts of kindness is what makes women so fascinating to the opposite sex!