Dear John: "Cynthia" and I had been together for six years, and married for three years. We have a beautiful baby girl. Recently Cynthia decided we should separate. She moved in with her father and retained an attorney. She offers no real explanation for her actions other than statements like, "we have grown apart," and "I don't like us as a couple." We have never argued before! Her family has a history of divorce, custody battles and other family conflicts. We had a great relationship before her father got into the picture. I know for a fact that he has said horrible things about me. I feel Cynthia now wants to be a daughter, not a wife. What's happening? — Odd Man Out, in San Antonio, TX

Dear Odd Man Out: Cynthia did not just wake up one day and decide, "Daddy's right. I've got to leave this guy." Believe me, it takes two to make — or break — a relationship. There was already trouble in paradise, but you give few clues as to your own responsibilities for creating these problems. Some women do not know how to clearly express what they want in a marriage. They will hold their concerns inside until these concerns become resentments that are either never expressed, or shown only by their departure. If there is any chance to save this marriage, it will start by both of you admitting past mistakes, then initiating a dialogue as to what you expect from this marriage, and what you are willing to give to it. You should also seek counseling. If she does not wish to join you, do it for yourself, so that your future relationships may succeed.

Dear John: My stepdaughter is getting married in a few months. "Cara" will not allow him to bring me, although he and I have been married for ten years. In all these years she has not spoken one word to me, although on several occasions we have been in the same room at family functions. My husband's formal invitation was addressed only to him to emphasize that I was not invited. And yet, Cara has made her father borrow ten thousand dollars to help pay half of her wedding, but still he has no say as to whom she may invite! Her answer is that it's her day, and it would be destroyed if I were there. If my husband insists on bringing me, she said she would have her fianc?'s father walk her down the aisle, or she will not bother coming at all. My husband feels he has a moral obligation to walk his daughter down the aisle, but he also knows what she is doing is wrong.

If he objects, he fears she will not be part of his life in the future. He has offered to leave directly after the ceremony, but I've told him he should stay if he is going to be there in the first place. Of course, this means he will have to answer questions as to where his wife is and why I am not with him. This will hurt him, not Cara. He is so stressed over this. What should we do? — Crying, in Knoxville, Tenn.

Dear Crying: Obviously, Cara has many unresolved feelings over his marriage to you, but her wedding is not the time to attempt a resolution. Your husband has made his case to her as to why she must include you, but bottom line, it is her wedding, she has a right to decide who will and won't be there. By graciously stepping aside, you are no longer the issue, and you will relieve some of the anxiety your husband must be feeling. Consider this: As Cara matures she may better understand the role you play in her father's life. She may also regret having misjudged and excluded you in this important event in his life. Until that time comes, leave the door open: Don't hold a grudge about the event or give her any reason to slight you, and treat her as you would any other member of your family: with the love and respect that you'd want returned in kind. Your steady faith may be the key to opening her heart.

"She Sheds Tears Over Him"

He can make her cry. At least, that's the case with 83 percent of women in a recent Mars Venus/Redbook Poll. Of the 2,233 women who participated, 55 percent say he makes her tear up -- but rarely. Another 28 percent can count on him to make her weep all the time. Only 17 percent say that he wouldn't dare.

Full results are shown below. To take part in this week's Mars Venus/Redbook poll, log on to: http://www.redbookmag.com

Does he make you cry?

Yes, all the time.        28 percent

Yes, but rarely.        55 percent

No! He knows better.    17 percent

Total votes:             2,233

NOTE: Because poll percentages are rounded, total values may not work out to 100 percent. Poll results are not scientific and reflect only the opinions of those users who choose to partake.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2008 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE
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