Dear John: I am in a wonderful relationship with a super guy. We have a great time together. I love confiding in him, and I can totally be myself and tell him my dreams and fears. Yet, when it comes to the physical part of our relationship, he is slightly overweight, and I'm not that turned on by him. I work very hard to keep myself in excellent physical condition. Am I being too anal-retentive? It does affect me, so how do I let him know this without hurting his feelings? — Slim Sue, in Chicago, Ill.

Dear Slim Sue: No doubt, physical chemistry does play a part in our consideration for a mate. For many men, it is indeed the first criterion for attraction. On the other hand, most women put more importance on a man's emotional makeup, such as his sense of self, his attention to romance, and demonstrations of consideration and respect.

If seems you recognize a lot of his wonderful qualities. But you also feel this is an issue, indeed, holding you back from a full emotional commitment to him. If you break it off without telling him why, he will always wonder what happened, and perhaps blame himself, which would be wrong. After all, this is your issue, not his. However, once he hears your feelings, he will have the choice to decide if your request is worth his consideration, and that is more fair to him.

If you choose to raise the issue, do so in the most thoughtful and loving way. Yes, his initial reaction may be hurt and anger, but he may then realize that your ultimate goal is to assure that the relationship flourishes rather than fails. Your honesty may also prompt his own admission about concerns about his weight, and be the catalyst for him to focus on this personal goal. Your feelings can best be heard if they come from a place of love and hope for a future together.

Dear John: I am a very happily married mother of three, and I love my life, except for one thing. I was in a relationship for almost 10 years that produced a beautiful daughter. After our breakup, "Jeff" stayed involved with our little girl on a periodic basis, but without any financial commitment. I have since moved into my current marriage. As soon as Jeff discovered that I was in another relationship, he stopped having contact with her, too. This bothers me because I think he did that to get back at me for breaking up with him. She misses him so much. What do you think? — Regrets Only, in Bakersfield, Calif.

Dear Regrets Only: Jeff is obviously still in mourning for the relationship you once had. His discovery of your new marriage has moved him into a place of anger and hurt. At some point, he may move beyond this enough to realize that his feelings for you are separate from what he feels for his daughter. Hopefully, he will try to reinitiate contact with the daughter you share.

The most important gift you can give your daughter is to affirm her bond with her father. You can do this in several ways. First of all, write to Jeff. Let him know that you realize he is hurt about the fact that you've moved on with your life, but that you appreciate the role he played in your life for those 10 years, and that you hope he will continue to play a role in his daughter's life. Secondly, never speak ill of Jeff to your daughter, and encourage her to write or call her father periodically. When Jeff is ready to move beyond his pain he will, and at some later date he'll appreciate the love you've fostered for him in his absence.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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