Far From Perfect from Creators Syndicate

Summer Camp for 07/19/2008

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Our oldest daughter, now grown, would have nothing to do with day camps much less away-camps. When she was 9, she announced, "There's no way you and Dad are gonna bus me out into the woods. I don't care how much money you pay me."

Sometimes no bribe will work when it comes to sending your kid to camp. But I got lucky with our son. When he was 9 years old he came to me and said, ...

Updated: Sat Jul 19, 2008

Viva Loco for 07/26/2008

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Dan the handyman handed me the repair bill: "Here, use my pen," he said.

I searched up and down the purple barrel of the retractable pen. No ballpoint. "OK, I give up. How do I use this stupid thing?" I asked.

He held the stubby-shaped pen between his thumb and index finger. Using his thumb, he touched a small button. Slowly, the pen's ballpoint emerged uprigh ...

Updated: Sat Jul 26, 2008

K-Cellular In Dispute Over Mobile Minutes for 08/02/2008

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

On Tuesday, July 1, 2008, at 8:40 a.m., the K-Cellular family entered into a dispute stemming from last month's cellular billing statement. An email to all K-Cellular family members read: "This month's phone bill was $500. It doesn't do any good to have 3,000 minutes when we use over 5,000. The email named K-Cellular member Mimi Kopulos as its No. 1 culprit in violation of cellular minutes ...

Updated: Sat Aug 02, 2008

Creatures of Habit for 08/09/2008

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Practical philosopher Dr. Orison Swett Marden once said, "The beginning of a habit (behavioral pattern) is like an invisible thread, but every time we repeat the act we strengthen the strand, add it to another filament, until it becomes a great cable and binds us irrevocably thought and act."

But what happens when a person has a change of habit? I'll tell you what happens, ...

Updated: Sat Aug 09, 2008

Please Hold The Line … for 08/16/2008

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

The service warranty said to contact 1-800-Winechil: "You have reached Winechil's consumer help line. In order to better serve you, please have your proof of purchase, model and serial number ready. Please hold the line for our next available representative. This call may be monitored to best serve you."

Twelve months ago, I purchased a wine refrigerator. The compressor and one ...

Updated: Sat Aug 16, 2008

A Class All By Itself for 08/23/2008

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

I've never flown first class, unless you consider sitting in the front row on Southwest Airlines first class. I fly economy class. But I prefer to use the term coach. Coach sounds more posh, like a Coach handbag. Some frequent flyers say there's no huge difference between business, coach or economy class. They have probably never sat so close to the lavatory that they felt they needed a tip bas ...

Updated: Sat Aug 23, 2008

Earjacking for 08/30/2008

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Today's urban slang for eavesdropping is earjacking. It sounds so threatening. "Tell me your life story, or you'll never see your family again!" Every three seconds someone is earjacked. National statistics reported the number of earjackings this year was 75,048,000. This included all types of earjacking, from cell phones, scanners and CB radios, to simple baby monitors.

Most e ...

Updated: Sat Aug 30, 2008

To The Left, To The Left for 09/06/2008

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Normally, I avoid writing anything political. However, I recently learned that presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain are left-handed. This new information throws a glitch in my political position. Why? I'm a lefty, too.

Historically, most right-handed people looked upon lefties as sinister. When I hear and read researchers and historians make comments like: "Left-hand ...

Updated: Sat Sep 06, 2008

French Whisperers for 09/13/2008

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

It was my first time traveling to the South of France. Before I left, my girlfriend Kenene warned, "The French speak in whispers, especially in Monte Carlo."

"Are you saying I'm a loud mouth?"

Long pause. "Your voice has a tendency to carry."

Aside from the roar of Ferraris and vroom of scooters, Monte Carlo is extremely quiet. The French conve ...

Updated: Sat Sep 13, 2008

The Secret for 09/20/2008

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Where does negative energy come from? In my case, phone calls. When my phone rings, I am conditioned to answer it. I grew up before answering machines and Caller ID.

One day, my oldest daughter, Scrappy, called to complain about a man she knew. I suggested she visualize getting along with him. "Why would I want to do that? I wouldn't walk across the street to have coffee with the ma ...

Updated: Sat Sep 20, 2008

Jammie Pies for 09/27/2008

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

"Hello."

"Hey, Mom."

"Is everything all right?"

"Yeah … well … not exactly."

"What happened?"

"It's Jammie Pies."

"Who?"

"Jammie Pies. She. I mean he … he's a boy!"

It was midnight when my daughter Scrappy phoned. Minutes earlier she was on the phone t ...

Updated: Sat Sep 27, 2008

Charge It! for 10/04/2008

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

When I turned 21, I received my first major credit card. No one told me to read the fine print. Unless the fine print told me to read the fine print the size of a flea, I didn't read it. I skipped over all that. My eyes went directly to the bold telephone number to call to activate my card.

Christmas in July is the best for buying clothes, going out to eat and flying to Padre Island with ...

Updated: Sat Oct 04, 2008

Baby Bump for 10/11/2008

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

"When's your baby due?" I asked the sales clerk.

"I'm not pregnant."

"Oh."

Sometimes it's difficult for me to tell if a woman's bump is a food baby or a real baby. So, I'm left to wonder, is she, or isn't she? Not that it's any of my business. But the nosy part of my brain wants to know.

My first two pregnancies were in 1983 and 1984. Wi ...

Updated: Sat Oct 11, 2008

Come Into My Kitchen for 10/18/2008

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

My early cooking experience dates back to grade school. I completely forgot about my school's bake sale until a friend reminded me.

It began with a series of problems: My mother wasn't home. I had never before baked a cake, much less boiled water. Cake items in our kitchen's pantry consisted of three burned-out birthday candles and one can of chocolate frosting. So, I did what any 12-yea ...

Updated: Sat Oct 18, 2008

The Lost Kneepad for 10/25/2008

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

"Mom! Have you seen my other kneepad?"

As if I had anything to do with my daughter losing her kneepad. I haven't worn kneepads since 1969, when my grade school, St. Elizabeth, played volleyball against St. Francis grade school. "Look underneath your bed!"

Underneath our daughter's bed is the lost-and-found department. I may not find the item I'm looking for at ...

Updated: Sat Oct 25, 2008

Parachute Man for 10/29/2008

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

On the eve of Halloween my brothers and I rifled through our father's closet and took from it his suit coats, neckties, shirts and shoes. We dirtied our faces with a burnt wine cork. Then we stripped off the pillowcases from each of our pillows. And before the moon showed its face, we were out the door and running past our father coming home from work. "It's not even dark. People haven't e ...

Updated: Wed Oct 29, 2008

Post-Halloween for 11/08/2008

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Halloween may be over, but I still have 246 pieces of leftover candy. I purchased eight, 10-pound bags of lozenge-size candies — the kind that caused the Heimlich maneuver to become so popular.

Earlier in the week, my neighbor, a first-time homeowner and Halloween newbie phoned me. "I need to buy more Halloween candy."

"Why?" I asked.

"I've be ...

Updated: Sat Nov 08, 2008

Christmas Photo Card for 11/15/2008

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

For years my youngest daughter has pestered me to send out Christmas cards. And each year I said, "Next year."

This year, my daughter is dead set on sending out Christmas photo cards of our family. "Next year," I said.

Paybacks are no fun. The thought of looking up addresses and addressing envelopes makes my left hand cramp. On top of that, having a photo taken ...

Updated: Sat Nov 15, 2008

Hide the Turkey for 11/22/2008

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

I can't exactly recall when my family began our Thanksgiving Day tradition of Hide the Turkey. I only know the reason why the tradition began.

There was something about forbidden turkey that made my brother's salivate. "Absolutely NO ONE is to go near that turkey until dinnertime. You boys hear me?" my mother warned.

As soon as she was out of sight, my brothers darted in ...

Updated: Sat Nov 22, 2008

Black Friday for 11/29/2008

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

This is a personal story. Describing the psychological impact resulting from Black Friday. This year I had two choices: 1. Arrive at the mall at 5 a.m., and wait for the doors to open. 2. Stay dressed in my sweats all day and finish off the rest of the pumpkin pie in the refrigerator. Hmm? What to do? What to do?

Historically speaking, my previous Black Fridays have not gone well. It beg ...

Updated: Sat Nov 29, 2008