Peter McKay from Creators Syndicate

Free Delivery for 04/15/2008

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Living around the corner from my in-laws over the years, I've been the beneficiary of all kinds of great stuff. We've had babysitters at the drop of a hat and someone to watch over our house when we were on vacation. And our kids get regular supplies of homemade cookies and cakes. Whenever I don't have a tool I need, I can borrow it from my father-in-law, who has a workshop that would make Norm ...

Updated: Tue Apr 15, 2008

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Living in a Tight Knit Family for 04/22/2008

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Around our house, we have a division of labor that's common in most American families. My wife does some things she's better at, like laundry, while I do some things I'm not better at, like fixing faucets and killing bugs.

I don't want to actually do my laundry myself. (To be honest, I don't actually know how to do my own laundry.) And for the most part, I have few complaints. Like most ...

Updated: Tue Apr 22, 2008

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Quick, Robin! To the Mancave! for 04/29/2008

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

About a year and a half ago, I came up with a brilliant idea. My wife worked at home as a journalist, but her home office was located in a cramped little room at the back of our house. It was cold in the winter, hot in the summer, and too close to kids, distractions, and, as she pointed out, me.

We had an old detached garage, however, at the very back of our property. The garage was buil ...

Updated: Tue Apr 29, 2008

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Gas Pains for 05/06/2008

Tue, 06 May 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Last week, I ran out to the supermarket in my wife's station wagon and noticed that the tank was empty. I stopped off to fill it up, and while the gas was running, washed all the windows with the little squeegee thing they have. When I heard the gas pump click off, I turned and glanced at the pump, and nearly had a heart attack right there in the self-serve lane. The little red numbers blinked ...

Updated: Tue May 06, 2008

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The Lawn Goodbye for 05/13/2008

Tue, 13 May 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Just like everybody else, I've been feeling the pinch of a constrained economy, rising gas prices and a virtually stagnant career. (Oh, wait, that last one's just me.) I've been looking around for ways to cut back. Just this past week, in fact, I had to cancel the lawn service.

The problem is that my lawn service has been, for the past few years, my 14-year-old son. When he started volun ...

Updated: Tue May 13, 2008

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Age Appropriate Behavior for 05/20/2008

Tue, 20 May 2008 00:00:00 -0700

For years (and years and years), it had been a running joke in my marriage that I looked like a kid. We married young as it was, and with my youthful appearance I looked, in my rented tux, not so much like a groom as like a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist doll. As the years went by, there was something about my face that continued to fool people into thinking I was younger than my years. Well in ...

Updated: Tue May 20, 2008

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Goodbye, Ol' Smokey for 05/27/2008

Tue, 27 May 2008 00:00:00 -0700

After six years of faithful service, this year I had had to face the truth: Ol' Smokey was dying a slow, sad death, and it was time to put him out of his misery.

It all started six years ago when, tired of buying cheap gas grills, $100 floor specials that lasted only a year or two at a time, I decided that I wanted a big solid grill, one with cast iron grates and room for at least 20 bur ...

Updated: Tue May 27, 2008

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Running on Empty for 06/03/2008

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Somewhere around five years ago, my wife decided that we were both getting out of shape, and before it got too late, together we'd have to put up a last stand against the ravages of time.

She started on an impressive self-improvement plan, with a goal of competing in a triathlon, and at least three times a week, she'd be out there running, swimming or biking. I wasn't that ambitious, but ...

Updated: Tue Jun 03, 2008

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Waking Up with Joe for 06/10/2008

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Like all my brothers and sisters, I started drinking coffee at the age of 12. Growing up, my main chore before going to bed was to get the coffee ready for the morning. With a family of nine kids, we had one of those huge metal canister coffee machines, the type that makes 25 cups at a time and are usually found at church gatherings or in trailer offices at construction sites. My brothers and s ...

Updated: Tue Jun 10, 2008

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Giving us the Hard Cell for 06/17/2008

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 00:00:00 -0700

My wife and I are terrible parents, uncaring and insensitive creeps. At least that's what you'd believe if you asked our three youngest children, our 14-year-old son and twin 12-year-old daughters.

It's not that we neglect to feed them or beat them. (Well, sometimes the fridge gets kind of bare, but there's always backup Ramen noodles, and as for beatings, I may threaten that all the tim ...

Updated: Tue Jun 17, 2008

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Falling on Deaf Ears for 06/24/2008

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Most people in our neighborhood have proper dogs, animals produced by reputable breeders, canines that show hundreds of years of careful breeding designed to enhance particular traits. We have Harry.

Harry's an old, dirty little Westie my wife got from an animal shelter around four years ago. He has about every problem a puppy-mill-bred Westie can have, from chronically infected ears to ...

Updated: Tue Jun 24, 2008

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Over My Dead Body for 07/01/2008

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

In the news this past week, scientists have discovered the secret of looking young: volume of facial fat. As you get older, and lose facial plumpitude, you tend to look more mature. I could have told them that: Babies, who have extremely fat heads, are the youngest-looking folk around. And admit it, you meet someone with really chubby cheeks, and you can't tell whether they're 30 or 50. (With m ...

Updated: Tue Jul 01, 2008

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I've Got Some Bad News … for 07/08/2008

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

For the past 25 years I've greeted each day by finding out what's been happening in the world. My eyes still closed, I reach for the remote and click on my favorite morning news program, "The Today Show." I slowly come to life, first just listening, then sitting up, rubbing my eyes, and finally, after a few minutes, getting out of bed. This summer, however, it's been such a steady, de ...

Updated: Tue Jul 08, 2008

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Spinning the Dial for 07/22/2008

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

For a year or so, I've been hankering to get a new phone for our living room. We've had a succession of cheap cordless phones, which look ridiculous, don't work very well and cause big angry tirades from Dad about how you can't just walk off with a cordless phone and then leave it somewhere. What if we have an emergency? How would you like it if I took your Nintendo game and walked off with it ...

Updated: Tue Jul 22, 2008

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Keeping My Head in an Argument for 07/29/2008

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

The other night, after dinner, I found my wife slumped on the couch watching a movie on cable. This is very unusual, in that most nights after dinner my wife pressures me to take the dog for a long walk. Both the dog and I, she says, need to walk off dinner before our bellies start to drag on the ground. I am not interested, and I'm pretty sure the dog isn't either. He (rightly) thinks I'm a gr ...

Updated: Tue Jul 29, 2008

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Home Alone for 08/05/2008

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

My wife and I only have five offspring, but it's always seemed like so many, many more. At one point, the gas meter man came into the house, looked at all the kids chasing each around the house and asked whether we were running an orphanage. Between TV, guitars, video games and the occasional bare-knuckle death match, our house has been anything but quiet.

But after years and years of de ...

Updated: Tue Aug 05, 2008

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The Weighting is the Hardest Part for 08/12/2008

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

About eight years ago, I went to the doctor to get a full checkup. I was just entering my forties, had decided to start actually exercising for once, and decided that it might be nice to see whether it was likely that I'd actually see the other end of the decade before I put any effort into fixing up the body I had been issued.

All went well. Everything checked out the way it was suppose ...

Updated: Tue Aug 12, 2008

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Screen Play for 08/19/2008

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

My 14-year-old son spent the first part of the year shoveling snow, then cleaning gutters and cutting grass — doing everything and anything he could do with an eye toward saving up a big wad of cash he could blow on something extravagant.

As a parent, I probably should have stepped in and ordered him to save his hard-earned cash, and told him that one day, if he squirreled away all ...

Updated: Tue Aug 19, 2008

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Just Looking, Thanks! for 08/26/2008

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

This past week, as we watched the Olympics on TV almost every night, I had to sit by quietly while my wife commented, with disturbing regularity, on all the young male athletes. She wasn't talking about scores, times, or world records, or even their medals, but about how well built they all were.

The gymnasts had incredible arms. The sprinters, beautifully muscled thighs. The beach volle ...

Updated: Tue Aug 26, 2008

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Don't Bug Me! for 09/02/2008

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

This year, my wife and I have yet another son going into ninth grade. It's the start of high school and the beginning of serious academic study, the year when a child starts to think about what they want to be when they finally finish school. Mostly, though, it means it's time for the dreaded bug collection.

Each fall, students entering ninth grade at our school are required to submit an ...

Updated: Tue Sep 02, 2008

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