Hi, all. I just returned from an investment conference where for four days from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. (when I usually manage your accounts), I listened to numerous industry experts, economists, strategists, money managers and analysts from our company, its affiliated investment funds and a couple of "screamers" from CNN, who discussed the current economic environment. Even though these were the same people who loaded us up with mortgage-backed securities and forced us to be sold off to The First National Bank of Southern North Carolina earlier this year, we have every reason to believe these are the right people to help us through some challenging times, especially now that they're no longer worried about their jobs and can focus 100 percent on the task of rebuilding our company with your money.

The consensus was the same: No one had expected or experienced a time such as what we are now going through. As for how long it will last, the experts were also in agreement: "sure beats the heck out of us." Having gotten that out of the way, the panelists then told us (and you) what you should do in these difficult times.

In his opening address (titled "Oopsie! Didn't See That One Coming"), our president O. Leo Leahy said: "I know a lot of people say that we're stockbrokers, and that the primary duty of a stockbroker is to get their clients into the market when it's down, and get them out of the market when it's up. Which means that you all should have put your clients' funds 100 percent in cash in the first quarter of 2008. But we are NOT stockbrokers. We leave that business to the 'day traders,' and that's what you need to tell your clients right now. What we are . . . are . . . financial advisors , which means we are bound by the higher laws of finance to focus on the longer term, no matter how much the world may be crashing around our ears today!"

Virtually all experts felt that the markets bottomed on Oct. 10, and that we are going through a "retesting" of that bottom. "You've seen bottoms before," said Leahy, "and you're looking at one now. We may see several more bottoms before we see the real bottom. But let me assure you, ladies and gentlemen, that when the Dow Jones Industrial Average hits zero, we are absolutely certain that will be the last bottom, and the market will have nowhere to go but up!"

The experts also were optimistic about the nation's political future. "Now that the 2008 election is over, the 2012 presidential race is under way, and it becomes ever more likely we will be a one-party state within the next few years," said Leahy, "we will never, ever again be plagued by market-disrupting election year uncertainties, and will be able to focus our full attention on growing assets for our government to take over. That way, the Chinese will be sure to buy our assets in 20 years and 'the world will be as one.'"

So what does an investor do now? The experts were unanimous that what you should do now is to "stay the course" and keep putting what little money you have into the stock market. They gave four reasons for this:

— any roller coaster rider knows the ride down is a lot more thrilling than the ride up;

— you will make it easier for the "day traders" to get their money out before the market tanks;

— the market is bound to go up again someday, and you will recoup your losses (assuming, of course, you have some cash to buy stocks with and can handle a 50 percent capital gains tax); and

— hey, if you put everything in cash, there won't be anything for us to do, and nothing for the experts to talk about.

You should also remember if your account balance falls below our investment "minimum," we will have to terminate our relationship, and you will be on your own.

Look at it this way: If you put money into the stock market in October 1930, the depths of the last big "R," and kept it invested until October 2008, you would have doubled your money and would be able to retire at the still young age of 112! We have every confidence you will be able to do the same in this market.

So have a good week, and please try not to listen to the financial entertainment networks, your barber, your manicurist or your doorman! Whom would you rather believe . . . them, or professionals like us?

One more thing: We are pleased to announce a new investment product from The First National Bank of Southern North Carolina. It's called a "Christmas Chanukah Kwanzaa Saturnalia Club." You open an account on Jan. 1, put in $1 every week, and when the holidays roll around you have . . . not $52 but . . . (wait for it) . . . $53 to spend on holiday cheer, thanks to the miracle of compound interest!

Please make an appointment with me to discuss this exciting new product at your convenience. I'll be at Teller Cage No. 3.

Cliff Ennico (cennico@legalcareer.com) is a syndicated columnist, author and former host of the PBS television series "Money Hunt." This column is no substitute for legal, tax or financial advice, which can be furnished only by a qualified professional licensed in your state. To find out more about Cliff Ennico and other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit our Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CLIFFORD R. ENNICO.

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