For the past several months I have been speaking on small business legal, tax and marketing issues at business conferences and trade shows around the country. While I would be flattered to think that attendees flock to these programs for the privilege of touching the hem of my garment, I realize that their mission is primarily . . . to network with one another.

Entire books have been written about networking techniques, but it basically boils down to this. You show up someplace with 100 of your business cards. As soon as the speaker stops speaking, you hand out your cards to everyone in sight. They, in turn, give you their cards. You go back home and count your cards, using the following scorecard:

— 50 points for the speaker's card;

— 25 points for a local politician or dignitary's card;

— 5 points for another attendee's card if there's a chance they might become a customer;

— 1 point for another attendee's card if there isn't; and

— Subtract 5 points for every competitor's card.

The player who dies with the most cards wins.

Now, when people try to get my card at these events, I don't mind playing the game. But the way a lot of people go about it makes me wonder what sort of idiots are out there teaching these people networking skills.

Here are some examples of how NOT to network with the speaker at a business event:

What Networker No. 1 Said: "Good talk, Cliff. Listen, I run a housecleaning service here in City X. Here's my card. If you know of anyone who needs their house cleaned, have them call me."

What Networker No. 1 (Probably) Was Thinking: "This is a really important guy. If he says I'm great, people will listen to him and I will get business."

What I Was Thinking: "He forgot to read my biography. I live on the opposite coast from City X. I don't know a soul here. Even if I did, am I going to tell them about this great housecleaner I met at a local business event that they should use because their house is really filthy?"

What Networker No. 2 Said: "This was the most amazing talk I've ever heard in my life. Wow, you really got to me in a way that no other speaker ever has. Do you think you can spare me some advice about how I can achieve a better search engine ranking on the Internet?"

What Networker No. 2 (Probably) Was Thinking: "You can't go wrong with flattery — these speakers all have big egos, so it's best to lay it on thick."

What I Was Thinking: "What a brown-noser! I'm surprised he didn't succeed in corporate America. And he didn't even listen to my talk — I spent over half an hour talking about search engine marketing! He must have been out in the hallway checking his voicemail messages when I was covering that. I'm not repeating my whole program for this guy — let him buy one of my books."

What Networker No. 3 Said: "The talk today was very interesting, but frankly it was way too long. The information is interesting, but what we really want to do here is network with each other. So when you do the next program could you make the speaker less of a focus?"

What Networker No. 3 (Probably) Was Thinking: "I gave this program an entire morning of my life, and they gave us only 15 minutes to network. Good thing I had my laptop computer with me; at least I got some work done."

What I Was Thinking: "OK, he's candid, but he doesn't realize he's talking to the speaker . He thinks I'm the event organizer. It's bad enough people don't listen, but when they don't even look to see who's talking . . . I really hate this person. I hope he fails. No, I hope he drops dead."

Now, for an example of the right way to network with a speaker:

What Networker No. 4 Said: "Mr. Ennico, I absolutely loved your talk. Listen, I'm the speaking coordinator for an organization of entrepreneurs here in City Y. We would love to have you speak for us, as I really would like our members to hear your message. We can't afford much money, but we can pay your expenses and will give you every possible chance to sell your books after your talk. Would you consider doing that?"

What Networker No. 4 Was (Probably) Thinking: "Look, what this guy wants is probably more speaking gigs. Let me offer him a good opportunity, with the chance to make some money, and once he's said 'yes,' he'll owe me a favor so then I can ask him the question I really want to ask."

What I Was Thinking: "This person gets it. When you're networking, it's not about what you want, but what the other person wants. What I want . . . is this person's card."

Cliff Ennico (cennico@legalcareer.com) is a syndicated columnist, author and former host of the PBS television series "Money Hunt." This column is no substitute for legal, tax or financial advice, which can be furnished only by a qualified professional licensed in your state. To find out more about Cliff Ennico and other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit our Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CLIFFORD R. ENNICO.

DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.