DEAR SUSAN: I recently ended a three-month relationship with a woman I met through a personal ad. At first, she paid for half our dates. Pretty soon, though, she sat back and let me pay for everything. After taking sex between us slowly, I made a few attempts but got the message that she wasn't interested in anything. At least, not with me. Why do some women string men along for companionship, dates and so on? It makes me wonder what they really mean when they say they want a financially secure man. — Vern B., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR VERN: Talking — no, whining — about women makes it sound as if they're extraterrestrials on a far-off planet — another species, without human DNA. Hear me well, Vern, because you need an attitude shift — more like an attitude makeover — and I might as well be its messenger. The truth about dating life is that it's (at best) a stab in the dark shared by two hopefuls. Nothing more, nothing less. That you paid for three months of nothingness is a lesson you needed. Badly. This specimen of female DNA led you on unfairly; she knew she wasn't interested from the get-go. And if you were tuned in, you would have said bye-bye after the first meeting and gone back to bachelorhood chastened, and a bit wiser in the ways of womenfolk. My advice is to forget about personal ads and all of that for a while — and get out into life and live. Radical approach, that. What I mean is to stop accenting one part of single life and dig into another! Take short trips to historic sites, sign up for a summer-school course — or just audit it for a while. Host an all-male cookout. Look up your family tree and contact a long-lost relative. You get my drift: Move out of the dating zone. Not for all time, only to clear your mind and soak up new ways of looking at life, ways that work for you — shooting a few baskets, riding a bicycle, fishing. Take long walks to commune with your deepest needs. What I'm saying is … take TIME OUT.

DEAR SUSAN: I've been going with my boyfriend about 10 months. We have sex often, but I have to take the initiative most of the time. It isn't that he doesn't want it; he's probably shy and doesn't know how to begin. I don't mind, but sometimes I'd like him to light my fire. I've told him so and said I'm waiting for him to begin, but then I get too tired of waiting and do what I always do, start sex. — Carla G., Moline, Ill.

DEAR CARLA: It's so great that a she-vixen's making first moves that I'm tempted to send flowers and forget about your problem — (just kidding)! But even this goodness can be overdone … as you well know. And to make your friend's shyness the culprit is letting him off too lightly. He's got to be buttonholed into a ménage à deux and made to realize that it's boring to always be the initiator. And I can't help but wonder about the rest of the relationship. Is he is or is he ain't your man, the protector, the masculine element that plays to your femininity? Does he hang back in other parts of your relationship and let you take over? If so, it could be a trouble sign — unless you dig always being the active one. You know, the bed is an arena for more signals than merely erotic. In fact, it's a prime arena for psychological stuff that often goes unnoticed, the horizontal acting out of dynamics that can slip by, barely noticed in the crush of our vertical lives. Something to think about, no? And maybe, just maybe, something to talk over.

"SINGLE FILE" TIP. There are two kinds people in this world: Augmenters, who like who they are and want to lift you to their level, and Diminishers, who really don't like themselves and want to bring you down. Be selective when you populate your life. Very selective.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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