DEAR SUSAN: I disagree with looking for "sincere" people in church or charity work. That's using those venues, not true sincerity. Also, hoping to meet people through a chance encounter doesn't work. I've found that meeting has to be a priority or it just doesn't happen; the odds are much better in bars than "chance encounters." — Ron T., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR RON: Wow. You and I couldn't disagree more! Just about everything you and I have been through (separately, of course) has taught us completely different life lessons! (That's probably true for every other major issue, but let's stay with the one that prompted your letter.) My advice about a natural involvement in the community and the church always comes with a caveat to choose areas that in themselves have meaning for you, areas that with or without romantic possibility would enhance your life. For those already tied to "churchness" (spiritual yearnings), a house of religion would be a logical meeting place because shared values already exist. Comparing that to a bar scene makes absolutely no sense, unless I'm missing something here. Yes, indeed, it's easier (and cool) to chat someone up glass in hand, but what's to talk about with this woman who hangs at bars? No, Ron, beginnings are important. They set the tone for the rest of the relationship, and when it begins at a bar, the outlook is decidedly bleak. Now, about churchness …

DEAR SUSAN: I have no trouble finding someone to go out with. I also find it very easy to date someone long term. My difficulty is knowing the "right" time to date on a regular basis; I have a tendency to act too fast. What is the signal that says it's all right to want to see someone regularly? — Clay D., Peoria, Ill.

DEAR CLAY: The go-ahead signal you're looking for comes from within each of you. You seem to feel it's all up to you and that a misstep or bad timing on your part will bring the whole relationship crashing down. You can't ignore the other player in this scenario because she has her own feelings and preferences about you — and the relationship. Why would you want to cut her out of the picture when the two of you can make the decisions you're wrestling with? Confide in her, trust her, include her in the situation. That including can start with small decisions, such as which film she'd like to see or where she'd like to go for coffee afterward. Togetherness becomes a habit of sharing and consulting. After all, the purpose of dating is to find someone who wants to share with you — from the smallest to the most important issues. You're not looking to fill Saturday night, Clay; you're looking for a friend. (That she happens to kiss the way you like it isn't unimportant, though.) It's not a two-person drama with prescribed lines and signals, not at all. It's a shared gamble aimed at finding someone easy to talk to, easy to be with — a girl who can laugh at herself and make the time together fly. When you find her, you won't need to guess about signals and acting too fast. She'll let you know.

THOUGHTS TO MULL: From Deepak Chopra: "Science declares that we are physical machines that have somehow learned to think. Now it dawns that we are thoughts that have learned to create a physical machine."

An old Indian saying goes, "If you want to see what your thoughts were like yesterday, look at your body today. If you want to see what your body will be like tomorrow, look at your thoughts today."

Think about it.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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