DEAR SUSAN: I have learned immensely from your column. It is a regular part of my "keeping myself healthy" routine. You see, I've been a "recovering codependent" for three years now. Needless to say, dating is a challenge because people like me confuse codependency with love. Here's the latest — I started dating this guy about two months ago. So far so good. But I have to be constantly vigilant about the tendency to lose myself and enter into self-defeating behavior. For that purpose, I've developed a "healthy relationship" checklist to keep myself in line so that I can make the distinction between a healthy and unhealthy relationship. I wish I had the list 15 years ago! — A Fan in North Carolina

DEAR FAN: Yes, yes, a zillion times yes … send us your checklist by the fastest possible route. There are so many readers ripe and ready to be released from codependency. (Think of all the love out there waiting for a chance to share the Real Thing!) In a way, your list could bring the ultimate liberation, the sort of freedom that would make liberation movements (male and female) seem pale imitations. Think of it. The freedom to stand on your own in a relationship. (Isn't that what we've been dishing about here for years?!) And in a way, the checklist is an addition to the Declaration of Undependence, a part of the whole relationship scenario, a very important part. Every reader susceptible to codependency (millions, perhaps) would have another tool to resist the old pattern of morphing into their partners and entering into self-defeating behavior. A tool that's clear, simple and effective. Of course, the hard part is putting it to use in your life the next time your feelings cloud your senses and blind you to the danger ahead. That certain danger, inevitable and destructive. You see, this codependency route leads to addiction of the very worst sort. It is draining, myopic and all-consuming. Not exactly the relationship for lifetime love — or that you deserve. My dream for you (and for us all) is best described by the Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran:

"You shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

"Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music."

We forget these words at our own peril. (We're all waiting for your checklist!)

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: The Buddha teaches that each of us is a spark of the Divine and has some inner godliness. What are you doing with yours?

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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