DEAR SUSAN: I'm a 28-year-old guy in graduate school in a town I just moved to. I've got lots going for me (I make good money, I'm in good physical shape, I'm decent-looking), but I have a hard time meeting women because I'm fairly shy and this town has an awful ratio of women to men. I joined two clubs, but they don't have many female members. And I hate the bar scene, so don't suggest that. Any ideas? — Will S., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR WILL: The big idea pushing its way into my cerebellum is so far from the bar scene it's another whole mindset. Off the radar screen. In fact, you may think it's too tame for a hunk like you. I guarantee it's not! All you need is an open mind (at least ajar) and the willingness to think outside the box. The plan is to contact your local United Way and offer a few hours (probably on a Saturday or Sunday) of your time to help out where the need is greatest. Volunteerism isn't only a great way to broaden your social circle but also a guarantee the women you'll meet share your values. They're spending time the way you are, no? As for the reward, well, it's like none other — knowing you're making a difference in someone's life. That enormous payoff can't come at the singles bar, as you so well know. Nor can it bloom on a first date, with two strangers jockeying for approval, hungry and cool simultaneously. It needs a helper, Will, and I'm nominating you for the job.

DEAR SUSAN: You asked some interesting questions, and here are my responses. Do with them what you will.

—How is your family reacting to your single life?

Honestly, they don't mention it at all. Not unless I do first. They seem to care only that I live a life that satisfies me on my own terms.

—How do you feel about being unmarried?

I feel like a failure, sometimes, because I know it's my fear of being burned that's keeping me from looking for someone. I don't like it that fear has that much power over me … that I'm LETTING it have that much power. Yet to work so hard to be OK "all on my own" after a painful divorce (only to compromise it all for a relationship) doesn't make much sense to me. I did all this work; I want to enjoy the fruit of my labors, to feel good about myself BY myself for a while longer. And when (or if) I need to change that, it will only be because it's the right time to do so. Not because I "should" have someone. Right now, if anyone dared trespass against the sanctity of life on my own, I'd probably yell, "Get off my land!"

—Have your ideas about commitment changed? In what ways?

Absolutely. Right now, relationships represent a compromise I'm not prepared to make. For most of my friends and relatives, getting married was something they did in their youth. They found one another in their early 20s and pretty much finished the growing process in tandem. I did that too, though I was 27, and now in my late 30s I don't know how to begin again. I have experienced beginning TOGETHER, but how to begin AGAIN?

How do two adults with histories and baggage and definite proclivities compromise to form a marriage? How are they strong enough to be that flexible? I have stuff now — a house, a good career, stability. I have a life I enjoy and reasonably unilateral control over my time, my attention and my resources. I've begun to feel safe again. A new relationship would risk what I've accomplished for myself since my divorce. People are frail; I know all too well how big a price it is to pay for another's frailty. If I've begun to feel safe again, that's why I don't seek out a new relationship. I don't entirely believe in commitment anymore. — Angelica D., Tucson, Ariz.

DEAR ANGELICA: We're going to revisit each other, you and I. Your responses are fascinating, so well-thought-out, it'd be a shame to shorten even one word. As for questions, Angelica, I'm plumb out. But I bet some wonderful readers are more than curious about your take on your singleness and relationships. One way or another, it's a sure thing the rest of your letter will be in the next "Single File." To be continued. …

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.