DEAR SUSAN: I've lived with a very special lady for two years. We recently separated because she wants to get married and I don't, having been married twice and not wanting to repeat that kind of commitment.

But now she's saying she'd be willing to let things stand as they were, if I just move back in with her. What should I do? She has every right to want marriage. — Jeff S., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR JEFF: And you have every right to a clear conscience. Which means, freely translated, that the two of you are headed toward a heart-to-heart in total and undisturbed privacy. And it should be sooner than later, given the emotions at play. The kitchen is a fine setting for the talk, as is the living room. But — keep away from the bedroom at all costs. Makeup sex is fine for the "Seinfeld" cast, and it'll be back on the agenda if things go swimmingly, but at this juncture, it could throw you off the track. Before you make a house call to your special lady, some hard thinking is in order. If you definitely do not want to marry again — even to her — you must tell her so. But before telling her your final decision not to marry, you need to make peace within. Ask yourself: Do I love her? Have we been living together in harmony? Am I so set against marriage that I would give her up? This great care is a prevention plan to avoid a repeat performance. No fudging, please, when you are baring your soul. Look her straight in the eye and speak your piece. (You might want to rehearse a few lines before the fateful conversation.) And listen closely to her; if you can communicate and share feelings, a good result should follow. She may need time alone to crystallize her own thinking, so give her the space and time she may well want. This could develop into a healthy and loving exchange you two will treasure for years. I hope so.

SINGLE FILE TIP. Summer is nearly here, and this is a gentle nudge to welcome the balmy days by hosting a party. All on your own — without body armor, aka a date. It's a bold move to navigate without an arm to lean on. You might like the mobility of moving solo between groups of party chatter, without having to make excuses and introductions. Right now, sit down with pad and pencil and start doodling possible days, times, etc. Potluck Sunday 4 p.m. sound good? Doodle some names and cross out downers; this will be only fun people and good talk. Have it your way. And while you're in the doodling mode, daydream a second family into being, a group for friends who can't go home for the holidays. Who knows? The group could morph into a helping network, a lifeline for those sick days when you need a bowl of chicken soup ladled by friends.

Meanwhile, back at the dream party, you're watching yourself flit from chatter to chatter, buzzing the flowers without settling on one. Seeing yourself sparkle at your own party in your own home. Priceless. … Now go out and make your dreams come true.

DEAR SUSAN: Rick from Long Island wrote that he was lonely and tired of women who were only interested in power and prestige. Well, it works both ways. I am a successful woman and have found myself in many of the situations he described. Would you do me a favor and give my e-mail address to him? If you can. — Janice J., Cherry Hill, N.J.

DEAR JANICE: I would if I could, but I can't. There are so many readers who by their own stories deserve a chance to meet. Their stories are so compatible they seem to be a perfect fit for each other. And here I sit, in the middle of two wonderful people, with the ability to join their lives. But it's an information transfer I simply cannot make happen. No way, not even partially. Even now I can visualize my advisors shaking their heads with great solemnity, sober at the very thought of it. Oh, I am so sorry Janice. I wish I could.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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