DEAR SUSAN: You told a reader that a man who gives up on her because she doesn't want casual sex is "no loss." I agree, but please tell women that a man who doesn't make passes can be worthwhile. I'm someone who doesn't rush to the bedroom. Women seem to accept that, but some of them act much more distant when they find out that a man (me) didn't "light her fire" the first time. Whatever happened to patience? — Jeffrey H., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR JEFFREY: It got lost in the dust, misplaced and undervalued, deemed extraneous once sexual freedom had settled into its niche. Huge mistake, that. A major misjudgment that plays havoc with anything real happening between them. Here are two adults thrown together in a most intimate scenario, perfect strangers to one another. You can see why odds are teeny-tiny for anything substantive developing between the sheets — or anywhere else. The usual ending is sad and lonely, actually lonelier than before the sexual travesty took place. And so it helps to know the reasoning behind this sort of sex, the casual kind. In my survey into single sexuality, the sexes were asked about it this way: "Do you expect to have sex on the first date?" Women were predictable — most said no. But they believe men do expect it on the first date. As for men, well, they denied expecting it; hopes may be high, but expectations are quite realistic. AND SO IT GOES, Jeffrey. There is so much misunderstanding about the issue that's so very important to you and everyone in the single community. With no easy cure in sight, my friend. But there are signs that the young ones — still in their 20s — are edging toward easier, more honest relationships. The battle of the sexes could be winding down, Jeffrey. And in a way, your letter does its part. (Deep, soulful sigh.)

DEAR READERS: As the world leans toward alternatives to marriage, testing government-approved civil partnerships and other legal rights for partners, there are questions that need thinking through. Not over-thinking, but good healthy musing. The following questions deal with the issue of Living Together. Some may apply to your situation. Some may not. As usual, feel perfectly free to bend the issues probed here. If you feel like sharing your thoughts and comments, please know they are most welcome. You needn't sign your name. Both e-mail and snail mail can bring your thoughts to me. (Your name and address are always changed to protect your privacy.)

— Has your emotional life/sex life changed since marriage? (if applicable)

— How do your family, friends and fellow workers react to your choice of lifestyle?

— Is this a test marriage or a full-fledged lifestyle?

— Do you feel better knowing you could end this relationship without legal hassles?

— Do you plan to have children with this partner? If you brought yours into this relationship, how do you explain it to them? To yourself?

— Are you sexually faithful to your partner? Why or why not?

— Do you consider yourself married to this partner? Why or why not?

— What do you call your housemate?

— What differences do you see between living together and being married?

— Would you advise friends and other single people to live together rather than marry? How do you feel about having children in this arrangement?

— Do you see your future as a series of cohabitations?

— Why don't you marry the person you're living with? Does she/he agree with you about that issue?

— How do you handle legal matters — a will, contracts, leases?

— Do you trust your housemate?

— How do you share expenses?

— Do you regard cohabitation as less of a commitment than marriage? More?

Lots to think about. Be sure to gift yourself with the time and quietude to let the questions percolate, marinate, dance in your imagination. You can trust yourself to sift through and winnow out the ones that feel extraneous and the ones that hit the bull's-eye. And you know you can tell me anything — anything at all.

Have fun with this.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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