DEAR SUSAN: I moved to a small town nine months after a divorce. In spite of having connections there, I had a hard time meeting women, so I joined a dating service and was matched with a woman who was separated and had a child. (I have none.) She says she plans to ask for a divorce, but her husband supports her, and she needs the money. I like her, but her marital status bothers me. — Dean F., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR DEAN: Trust your instincts and get out now! Unless you're a glutton for punishment — and a messy divorce scenario — best to end this relationship kindly and honestly. She'll be hurt, yes, but better now than later on, when months of dating (and perhaps intimacy) have raised her hopes and expectations. She's in a tough spot, too, tougher than yours, made more complex because of her child. She's got to be simultaneously a mother, an alienated spouse, and a sex goddess on the dating scene. That's a bit much. And if you don't feel this is the woman for you — you haven't mentioned the L-word — the decent and correct move is to exit. At least for a while, make it a temporary separation ("for now"), a timeout that gives both of you space and time to think this through. This might be a good time for you to consider moving to a larger town with more social options. Single life seems to be much easier in a metropolis, with its opportunities and bigger population. And you won't feel as out of place as you do now in a community where most people are coupled. Right now you need more throughput, more choices of people and groups and interests. You've got some thinking to do, some hard thinking, and it goes way beyond dating and this nice woman.

THIS LOVE THING. Those three words "I love you" have deep impact. And not only for the person who hears them. They are the gold standard of relationship, not ever to be uttered in the heat of passion or in the silence that can weigh so heavily between intimates. They are the highest and deepest expression of feeling, and great care must be taken to be certain they convey true feelings. Because they are the gold standard, they must be backed by the full faith and trust in the speaker and the one who hears it. Think about it.

OPEN LETTER TO READERS ASKING ABOUT MY BOOK. To get a copy of my latest book, "Single File," send $20 check or money order to me (in care of this newspaper), and it will quickly be sent via first-class mail. I'll be happy to tuck in a parchment copy of my Declaration of Undependence!

DEAR SUSAN: I also want to complain about the other gender being less than sexy or vibrant. My personal opinion is that when sexy/vibrant people settle for less, it's because there's a trade-off. Many single people have a list of qualities they must have in a partner, yet they themselves have few of them. Or if they do have the goods, they think they're honey and wait to see whether bees or bears will show up to claim them. They think they don't have to go looking — and in the case of women, they blame men for not seeking them out.

I think men and women who search for equal partners succeed in finding them. But there's way too much finger-pointing at the other gender. If you are as smart, kind, hot, sexy, energetic as you think you are, you should see a line of eligibles coming after you. Unless, of course, you're hiding at home behind closed doors complaining.

Get out there, find what you want, but first make sure you have as much to give as you want to get. — Brandt D., Mendocino, Calif.

DEAR BRANDT: How right you are! It's the double standard in reverse. There are times when we forget to give as much as we demand/expect/want. And really, it's not a matter of giving as much as it is of offering. In our rush to see what these people can do for us, we neglect to mention what we can offer them. And while we're searching this wonderful world for a beloved, we might consider burnishing our own strong points so that when we do finally find what we're looking for, we'll be able to offer them an interesting friend who's also a good kisser. Work on improving yourself (strengths and weaknesses alike) while you're on the quest. The goal is to be the kind of person you're seeking. I rest my case.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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