DEAR SUSAN: I've been reading your column for a long time, and I enjoy it. But I want to add to the one about breaking up:

— Men too get confused about moving on after a split. I remember my state of mind at that time.

— Therapists are not for everybody. If you find a good one who can help, you're very lucky.

— Finding friends of the same gender is essential. Women: It's attractive for a man to know you have female friends. And no, they're not a romantic threat. They can hook you up with men they feel would be a good match for you.

— Don't be discouraged by age differences. People of the wrong age know someone more appropriate.

Finding yourself and doing things for your own betterment are tantamount to regaining your self-respect and pride. Personally, after my four-month relationship ended, I brooded for a few months, wallowing in self-pity and pain. My healing began when I went out and became active in my community, as a volunteer at a neighborhood school. From there I enrolled at a local junior college and am earning a certificate in the medical field.

There's hope for us all; we just need to realize it's not dependent on a relationship. — Lance J., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR LANCE: You've come to the gut-most issue of singleness — and of life, too — that we can stand on our own, that we can be whole in a single space. Yes, we'd like to be in a relationship and part of a partnership based on love and respect, but if that's not to be right now, well, we're fully capable of meeting life on our own. Sorry it took pain to show you this wisdom, but the journey into self is often spurred by deep hurt. (Buddhists believe painful lessons are the ones that stick.) The really good news is you getting yourself out of the funk and summoning the will to rejoin the world; most wonderfully, shifting into helping gear. The very best remedy for a broken heart or loneliness is to reach out and help someone who needs a helping hand. It's a self-help panacea that works for all of us. The challenge is remembering its wisdom in the thick of things, when black clouds are on the horizon and life seems a zero-sum game. The breakup of a loving relationship is one of the darkest threats to the natural enjoyment of life. And as you well know, the only way to go through it — and come out the other side — is to turn and face it, to let it wash over you. You need to feel the pain if you want to end it. But the lesser-known truth is that allowing yourself to feel that hurt makes you stronger and more resilient for the next life lesson, whatever it may be. Granted, it's no fun, but actually it's an opportunity in disguise. Weird but true. Splitsville can inspire the inner journey that once begun, will bring you a smoother, more gratifying life. I wish it to all of us.

QUIZLET (a smaller version).

— Does love always lead to marriage? Should it?

— Does living with someone increase or decrease love/passion?

— What do you look for in a partner? Has that changed since you became single?

— Would you — could you — fall in love with someone from another country? Why or why not?

If you feel so inclined, write in with your thoughts. (Your name and locale will be changed, I promise.) Talk it over with friends and get their take on the issues, too.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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