DEAR SUSAN: For the past year, I've been "talking" to this guy on a computer service, but we've never met. We've talked about it, but we were never able to synchronize our vacation time. I was under the impression that everything was going well, but then all of a sudden, he stopped writing. (I know he's still on the service.) I wrote him once but got no reply. Should I write again? — Justine G., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR JUSTINE: Not on your life. Your online life, that is. You've learned the No. 1 rule of online anything: Meet the other person early in the game. Life may be what Forrest Gump said, a box of chocolates wrapped to make each choice a surprise, but the challenge in online dating is to unwrap the surprise guest early. To spend a year of your life communicating with a mirage is not only absurd but also a lot of time wasted. Do you have that much "free" time? (Actually, it wasn't at all free. That year's worth of chatter came at a high cost, keeping you from more productive activities — and relationships.) I wonder what was in it for you, this hideout that took so much of your time. What was it about this pen-pal lover that kept you linked to him? Didn't you hear the signals he was sending? Not being able to mesh vacations, staying with the written word for so long. WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL? My sense is that you were hiding too, glad to remain faceless. Well, anyway, the farce blew up suddenly and without follow-up; your letter was the finale. (Whew. What a relief.) Your next move is to get into the world of real people with real identities, people proud to be themselves. Promise me there'll be no more hiding, no more foil to unwrap to find the real Justine. Believe me, the nicest people are easy to reach, authentic, real. Stay with them. And stay out of hiding places.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: What's with the low-cut tops women are wearing these days? In the office, on crime shows, in the morning on the street, wherever and whenever. Take it from me, they aren't appropriate for daytime, and often don't look appealing even in candlelight. Cleavage is the come-on of last resort. It's a sign of desperation, trying too hard to be "with it," trying too hard to get glances. Believe me, what isn't shown is the real allure, leaving something to the imagination. Subtle and understated wins the prize.

DEAR SUSAN: I've been divorced 12 years, but my ex continually finds ways to take me back to court. That's financially and emotionally draining for me. He has long since remarried (an older woman with no children), but he and I have three children (ages 21, 18 and 16) he never sees. He devotes his life to his work and his wife. Help! — Rosanne G., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR ROSANNE: No court can order your former husband to honor his sacred trust of fatherhood, but his dragging you through the courts must cease. If your divorce attorney isn't interested in stopping him, it's time to find one who is. You need a strong attorney who knows his way around the issue of harassment and knows the legal loopholes to close. You need final and complete closure to an unhappy part of your life, and you deserve no less. Clearly, your former husband is still intent on dredging up the past. He wants to drain you emotionally and financially, and he must be stopped in his tracks. I'd be surprised if this isn't harassment. (If all else fails, there's always the Legal Aid office in your vicinity or the local bar association.) Your children's father will end his days a sad and regretful old man when his children realize it's his loss, not theirs. I hope you've planted that truth in those young minds.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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