DEAR SUSAN: I'm being slowly let go by a beautiful lady I've been involved with for a year and a half. Ours has been one of the hottest and coldest relationships I've ever had. What makes it really tough is that we work together.

And I still love her. My mind is killing me with all this "poor me" stuff. But all I want is to go on with my life and be able to treat her as a friend. I'm convinced she thinks I wanted more from our relationship — and she's right! Trouble is, she didn't. So now I want to do the right thing, which is probably just letting her go. Any ideas? — Karl C., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR KARL: You've come to idea heaven. But there are no promises or guarantees, and not all of the ideas are pretty. For openers, take the evening off from mourning your love and challenge yourself to make a list of her negatives. Think back to the times together and the moments that irritated you. WRITE THEM DOWN. At the office, when you work with her, there must be things she does (or doesn't do) that grate on your nerves. ADD THEM TO THE LIST. While your fevered brain tries to imprint "poor me" on your soul, fight back by taking the relationship into negative territory. KEEP WRITING THE LIST. After you've started going negative, one more task: Start thinking in terms of changing jobs. Same field, same duties, but different cast of characters. She'll be gone. A clean break will help heal the love wounds more quickly. You'll go to lunch with new people and hear new conversations, become part of different work relationships — and possibly other kinds. Until you're settled in a different workplace, promise yourself (and me) there'll be no early morning phone calls to her, no waiting for her after work to catch a glimpse. If you must, carry that list with you and read it every chance you can. She's made her choice, and it isn't in your favor. All you can do is bow out gracefully, putting an emotional moat around you at work, respectful but distant. It's over. The fat lady is singing. The next move — if there is one — shouldn't be yours. Even when your heart is yearning for her, stay the course. For you, it's over. Start making plans for a new life without this (I assume married) woman. There is life after love, you know.

SINGLEFILED. When is a name an action word? Simply put, when it's in this column. "Singlefiled" is the past tense of "Single File," describing the wholeness readers acquire in their lives by their exposure to the ideas and suggestions here. And please note that the more exposure the more complete you (and your life) will be. That's not only a promise — it's a guarantee! Together, you and I will take the adventure of being single to new heights. Little by little, you'll watch yourself becoming Singlefiled! You'll say it out loud, with a smile on your face, pleased and proud of your starring role in the great adventure of being single.

SINGLE AND POLITICAL. Political issues from the Alternatives to Marriage Project, the fledgling organization that's nationwide and (at last) getting the recognition it deserves:

Q: Why does getting married determine your access to health care, your income taxes, your Social Security or pension?

A: Because politicians don't think they work for singles, unmarried partners or "nontraditional" families.

Q: Why do they ignore and disrespect them?

A: Because the single community lets them off the hook by not voting.

According to the Alternatives to Marriage Project, too many singles sat out the last election. If we all had voted, by now our leaders might have ended the war, reformed health care and strengthened the economy. Elections are decided by small margins: It only takes one person — YOU — to change the course of history. Curious to know more about this activist organization? Aroused by the unfairness to the unmarried community?

Contact: Nicky Grist, executive director

atmp@unmarried.org

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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